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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24150931">weekend kings</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/dingletragedy/pseuds/dingletragedy'>dingletragedy</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>EastEnders (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - Teenagers, Fluff and Angst, M/M, bit of football too, lots of music references as always, sixth form/college, this is the most me fic ever sorry x</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-05-12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-07-07</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-02 19:26:52</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>7</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>25,191</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24150931</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/dingletragedy/pseuds/dingletragedy</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>”How long?” Callum asks, their faces still pressed up close. He’s so warm, burning up under Ben’s touch.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>“So long,” Ben answers honestly. “So fucking long.”</i>
</p><p>
  <i>“I’m sorry,” Callum breathes past his lips, muffled by another kiss. “‘M so clueless. Is it too late? Please tell me it ain’t too late?”</i>
</p><p>
  <i>“No,” Ben hushes him, tries to pull him closer again with a nudge to his hip, but Callum shakes his head lightly and just stares down at Ben. “It ain’t too late. It couldn’t ever be too late with you.”</i>
</p><p>or, the arrival of a callum highway causes quite a stir for walford college, and in particular, ben mitchell.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Callum "Halfway" Highway/Ben Mitchell</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>104</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>291</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. midnight flings</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>somehow this is turning into a little mutli-chapter fic/mini series. i haven't exactly got all the details worked out yet so bare with me!!! next instalment should be up in the next few days! please enjoy!!!!  </p><p>title from temporary love pt.2 - easy life</p><p>(for the anon who prompted "is it too late" on tumblr &amp; the wonderful @bencal who’s birthday it was the other day!!! katie deserves the world and a hell of a lot more than this fic, but this was all i had to offer. love to you both&lt;33)</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Of course, it’s only fitting that the first day of British summertime begins with a downpour.</p><p>Ben has never been covered in so much mud in his life, and he’d much rather be tucked up in bed, thrashing Jay on Fifa, or watching a film, than tackling in puddles for a ball.</p><p>Callum, the little shit, is up in the stands, like he is every match, wearing a bright yellow raincoat and probably the ugliest beanie Ben has ever seen, looking like he’s just about drowning. He’s the only one up there too, and every time Ben looks at him he has to stop himself from doubling over with laughter at his huddled figure.</p><p>Ben knows he’s going to come out this match covered in bruises and the odd scrape, and he knows Callum will fuss over him for it, his own injury having ruled him out of the school team for the rest of the term. Ben doesn’t enjoy the football a great deal, not half as much as Callum does that’s for sure, and to be honest, he was days away from dropping out of the teams. But when Callum had picked up the injury, he was so down about not being able to play, and chase that promotion, and suddenly Ben wanted nothing more than to carry on, to win the league, <em>for Callum. </em></p><p>Despite his devotion to the team, some of the lads are being particularly standoffish today, tackling hard and pushing Ben into the mud and laughing it off like it’s a joke. At the start, Ben let himself have a little fun and get muddy. Now though, his shins are fully coated and his hair is sticky with it. </p><p>It’s funny though, when Ben gets that last-minute equaliser, 89th-minute screamer, how they all celebrate with him like he’s the hero of the league. Ben only has eyes for one celebration though, Callum’s cheers can be heard from down here, and the grin stretching his face enough to wash the grey clouds away. </p><p>After, Ben’s completely soaked and chilled to the bone, and it doesn’t help that the changing room feels like a literal freezer. Everything is concrete and metal and the boys all huff out tiny, stilted puffs of air as they change and shower.</p><p>Then, he remembers,<em> Callum.</em> He instantly warms. </p><p>
  <em>Callum, Callum, Callum. </em>
</p><p>The mysterious new lad in town, the one every man and his dog wanted to befriend, but for some unbeknown reason, he’d chosen Ben to do so. </p><p>Slowly, over the past few months, since Callum and his brother had moved to Walford, Ben has begun to learn all the little things about Callum. He knows that his favourite colour is orange, that he doesn’t have a favourite album or song because he can’t choose, he likes to read more than he lets on, and he loves to sing, <em>no matter how much he can’t.</em></p><p>They’re just little things, just the tiny pieces, and Ben begins to realise that as much as he’s learning about Callum now, he doesn’t know anything about him before he came to Walford College. There are a whole seventeen years that Ben really has no idea about.</p><p>He has no idea what made Callum who he is now, this brilliant, yet shy and reserved boy, with a heart bigger than Ben could ever imagine.</p><p>He shakes himself from his trance, grabs his bag and runs outside. It’s still pissing rain, and across the grounds he can see Callum standing by the bike shed, wrestling with his umbrella. It’s folded completely out the wrong way in the wind, and Ben finds himself laughing as he makes a break for it, thoroughly soaked.</p><p>“Why aren’t you waiting inside!?” He shouts over the rain as he approaches. When Callum sees him, he shuffles under the tiny shelter quickly.</p><p>Ben follows, and when he sees Callum’s face, he slaps a hand over his mouth to stop himself from laughing.</p><p>He looks utterly distressed, his hair wet and hanging wildly over his neck and eyes. His raincoat has been beaten spectacularly, and his umbrella is only just holding on.</p><p>“Where—” Callum starts on a shaky exhale, shivering, “have you been?”</p><p>Ben falls into hysterical laughter. “Oh, my God.”</p><p>“Ben!” Callum whines, but then he’s laughing too, his hands shaking roughly at his hair. </p><p>“You look like a drowned rat, mate,” Ben wheezes. “Not gonna lie.”</p><p>“Shut up,” Callum guffaws, shaking his hair out like a dog.</p><p>“Your umbrella,” Ben exclaims, cackling. “How did you even manage that?” </p><p>“I know, look at it,” Callum wipes at his eyes and holds it up, the whole thing mangled.</p><p>“You’re a nightmare, Cal,” Ben holds his stomach, shaking his head. “You want to come back to mine? Get you dry and then maybe I’ll let you have me on Fifa?”</p><p>“Oh, you’re finally admitting I’m better than you, then?” Callum says, and he looks pleased. “Yeah, that’d be nice, actually. Cheers.”</p><p>“Nah, it’s not that nice,” Ben says, and he tries to remember, frantically, if his room is in any state to be seen by another human, let alone Callum. </p><p>“Don’t be daft,” Callum shrugs. “I just want to get inside and get out of these disgusting clothes.”</p><p>“Come on then,” Ben says as he leans down to unlock his bike. Callum does the same, and they’re off.</p><p>It’s an absolute disaster from the word go.</p><p>It’s raining even harder than before, and Ben almost falls off his bike laughing when Callum attempts to shield himself with his umbrella as he rides, wobbling all over the places as the umbrella is pulled this way and that by the wind.</p><p>He should be hating every moment, should be angry about his idiot teammates, and his sodden clothes and annoyed about the weather. Instead, he smiles the whole way home, he and Callum laughing and shouting to each other as they pedal frantically, splashing each other with puddles and shaking out their hair.</p><p>When they finally make it back to Ben’s house, he hesitates for a moment, because his mum’s car is still in the driveway.</p><p>They kick off their muddy shoes outside the front door and attempt to shake any excess water off their bodies so they don’t drip everywhere. That, of course, proves entirely useless, and Ben attempts to make a beeline straight for his room as soon as they step inside.</p><p>“Oh, hello love.”</p><p>Ben flinches and turns quickly, seeing his mum in the doorframe leading to the kitchen, ready for work with a cup of coffee in her hands. She looks at Callum then looks questioningly at Ben.</p><p>“Mum, this is Callum. Cal, this is my mum, Kathy,” he presents. “Is it alright if Callum and I chill for a bit?”</p><p>“Sure,” Kathy blinks, looking between them again.</p><p>“Uh—hello,” Callum says, and he holds out his hand for her to shake, smiling. “Nice to meet you, Kathy.”</p><p>“You too,” she takes his hand eagerly. “Do you go to college with Ben?”</p><p>“Yeah, I’m pretty new there,” Callum affirms. Ben sighs internally as his mum looks Callum up and down again, quirk tilting at her lips. “Just been to watch the match, he was the star of the show. Again.” </p><p>“That’s what I like to hear,” she shifts her weight, flicks her eyes back to Ben’s own. “Well I best going, don’t want to be late, can’t be dealing with your brothers moaning today.”</p><p>“Alright,” Ben says with a nod. </p><p>“There’s food in the fridge, beers too — although maybe it’s a little early for drinking? Help yourself to whatever you want, Callum.” </p><p>“Yeah, mum,” Ben interrupts, suppressing a groan. “I ain’t going to starve him. Bye.”</p><p>He hurries upstairs, safely away from his Mum’s prying, Callum following close behind. There’s a little pause before he opens the door to his bedroom, and he sends a silent prayer that it isn’t entirely awful.</p><p>“It’s not much, um—” Ben says awkwardly, as he opens the door slowly. Nothing seems too out of order, thankfully.</p><p>“Woah,” Callum says as he enters, going straight for Ben’s record player and vinyl collection.</p><p>For a moment, Ben pauses, looking at Callum standing here in his room, fingers trailing over the curves of his records. It’s a little surreal, a little too much. Ben clears his throat awkwardly.</p><p>“Didn’t know you were such a huge fan of musicals, Mitchell,” Callum teases as a blush heats Ben’s cheeks. </p><p>The sudden flash of lighting, and the booming clap of thunder that follows it makes them both jump and flinch towards the window.</p><p>Ben approaches carefully and looks out into the street. It’s raining so heavily he can barely see the house across the Square, everything a muddy mirage as the rain falls in thick, heavy sheets.</p><p>“Apparently this is going to go on all day, I ain’t letting you ride home,” Ben worries, biting his lip. </p><p>There’s another flash of lightning, and the thunder rattles the room.</p><p>When he looks over his shoulder, Callum is just staring at him.</p><p>“What?” Ben says, pushing his hair off his forehead nervously.</p><p>Callum blinks once, twice, then looks away. “Nothing.”</p><p>“I’ll get you a towel, hang on,” Ben says. In the dark of the hall, he rubs a hand down his face.</p><p>Callum is in the same position when he returns. Ben tosses the towel at him.</p><p>“I don’t have any spare clothes on me,” he says.</p><p>“You can borrow some of mine,” Ben says, moving towards his dresser.</p><p>“They won’t fit,” Callum says, and Ben can hear the amusement in his voice. “I’m about six foot taller than you, Ben.” </p><p>He turns with a raised eyebrow in challenge. Callum dissolves into quiet laughter. Ben throws a pair of joggers at his face, and he splutters.</p><p>“I look like a right idiot,” Callum says as he changes into them. The joggers are predictably, definitely too small, cuffed around his ankles. And, they’re tight. So tight. <em>God.</em></p><p>“Perfect fit,” Ben says enthusiastically. He lets his eyes linger, long enough to burn the imagine into his memory, but not long enough for Callum to notice. </p><p>“Shove over,” Callum says, patting at the space on the bed beside Ben. He furrows his brow, but does so anyway. Callum looks over Ben’s record collection again, rubbing a hand over his chin like he’s making some grand decision. Finally, he makes a tiny noise of affirmation and slots a vinyl out.  </p><p>He throws Blur, <em>Parklife</em>, at Ben. </p><p>“Interesting choice,” Ben says with a raised brow.</p><p>“You remind me of him,” Callum says with a little smile. He shoves Ben over some more.</p><p>“Damon Albarn?” Ben’s eyebrows rise into his hairline. “That your way of telling me you fancy me, then? Because everyone fancies Damon.”</p><p>“Shut up,” Callum laughs off, but there’s no mistaking the peach blush that floods his check, it’s one Ben’s become familiar with.  </p><p>It’s silent for a long time as Ben loses himself to his thoughts, just the sound of <em>Girl &amp; Boys </em>and booming thunder, the pelting of the rain on the window and their breaths. Everything is washed in a soft yellow glow, and Ben tries not to glance at Callum every time he flips a page. His hair is gold tipped in the light.</p><p>“I like these lyrics,” Callum breathes. “I don’t usually care for the words of over-hyped rockstars, but these ones have always stuck with me.” </p><p>He rests his hand on Ben’s hip. Ben stares at the ceiling, wide-eyed, trying to regulate his breathing.</p><p><em>“Love in the nineties, it’s paranoid, on sunny beaches, take your chances,”</em> Callum sings, slow and hushed and mixed with the rain. Ben’s slips his eyes closed.<em> “Always should be someone you really love.”</em></p><p>Ben breathes in sharply, heart pounding in his chest. When Callum stops, voice losing out to the thunder, Ben feels himself sinking into the mattress. Callum’s hand burns like fire at his hip.</p><p>There’s another flash of lightning, and in that split second their eyes meet, white-hot.</p><p>Thunder rumbles.</p><p>The light flickers, and goes out.</p><p>“Oh,” Callum breathes. Ben feels him sit up slowly. His eyes haven’t yet adjusted to the light, so all he has is touch.</p><p>All he can feel is Callum.</p><p>“Cal?” Ben whispers. He’s so tired, but the thought of missing a moment of this, of him and Callum, alone and safe, together, is terrifying for reasons Ben doesn’t want to think too hard about. </p><p>“Mm,” Callum hums, chest shifting.</p><p>“Um,” Ben says and there’s so much, so much he wants to say, to ask, to confess. “I should—should see if I can find a flashlight downstairs, or something.”</p><p>He moves, reluctantly, and Callum’s hand falls away, replaced by cold air.</p><p>“It’s alright, we’ll just wait out the storm, I guess,” Callum’s voice says, close.</p><p>There’s so much heat radiating off of Callum’s body, and Ben looks up at his raindrop covered window, searching for some kind of thought other than the one screaming for him to reach out his hands.</p><p>It’s quiet for so long. With every passing second, Ben feels his throat growing tighter and tighter.</p><p>He doesn’t know if he falls asleep, or falls entirely into his thoughts, but when he comes back to himself, feeling like he’s been in a deep sleep for days, his eyes are heavy and his body is warm. Callum is a deadweight beside him, breathing evenly. It’s still raining.</p><p>“Cal?” Ben whispers into the dark. There’s no response.</p><p>He sits up slowly and tries to maneuver himself over Callum’s legs without waking him. It doesn’t work as well as he’d planned.</p><p>Callum stirs with a huff of breath and a yawn. “Ben? What’re you doing?”</p><p>“Need a piss.”</p><p>“Oh,” Callum breathes. It’s quiet again, and Ben grabs his phone, flicking on the flashlight and guides himself across the hall. </p><p>Callum stumbles in a minute later, sleep rumpled and young-looking. In the barely-there light, his eyes glow like hazy amber.</p><p>“Sorry,” he murmurs. He’s just standing there, leaning against the towel rack, watching. Ben turns away, pulse pressing against his neck. “Ain’t much of a fan of the thunder, didn’t want to be alone.” </p><p>Ben ducks down to wash his hands, he lets icy water hit his skin, needing that shock to wake his mind. He hisses a little and pulls away, shaking out his hands. He can feel Callum’s eyes following him, burning into him, and as he moves to the towel rack, he doesn’t meet his gaze as he wipes his face.</p><p>But he’s right there, so close that Ben can feel his warmth, can smell his aftershave clinging.</p><p>He glances up slowly, gaze lifting from Callum’s bare feet all the way up to his eyes.</p><p>The flashlight is so dim that everything is cast in shadow, so low that he can’t read Callum’s face. It feels as though they’re trapped in this sudden bubble of warmth, and Ben can’t move, can’t breathe, can’t do anything, doesn’t want to do anything, but look at Callum’s eyes and tremble.</p><p>“Ben,” he breathes, barely a sound. Ben swallows, electricity shocking through him, zapping his skin. There’s fear there too, gripping fear that holds him by the back of the neck.</p><p>But then Callum lifts a hand, his smooth, delicate hand, and runs a long finger down Ben’s cheek, coming to rest just by the hinge of his jaw. Ben stutters out a breath, gravitating closer, his eyes threatening to flutter closed as Callum touches him.</p><p>Callum rests their foreheads together gently, his thumb coming to rub at his jaw, his hand cupping the back of his neck and head. Ben’s body is covered in goosebumps, every inch of him shaking like a leaf, so nervous, so unused to this sort of touch.</p><p>Callum dips his mouth closer, their noses bumping. He can feel Callum’s warmth breath on his lips, and when he shifts, they brush together, just barely. Callum sucks in a deep breath, chest heaving, and leans down.</p><p>It’s so, so, unbelievably delicate. Their lips meet with a cautious press, and they stay that way for a few moments before Callum pulls away a little, then ducks down again. Ben lets him lead, lets him hold his face in his big hand, because his brain is a muddle of heat and jarred murmurs.</p><p>Callum presses in closer, both his hands cupping Ben’s face now as he kisses him slow and soft, pulling back every few moments to shudder in a breath, fingertips brushing through the soft wisps of hair by Ben’s ears. His hands slide down to his shoulders, down his front, and Ben’s stomach spikes.</p><p>He grabs Callum’s hands, pulls away slightly, eyes searching for something he’s not sure of.</p><p>“Fuck, I’m sorry,” Callum babbles as he meets Ben’s eyes, too loud in their little bubble. “Ben, I—I didn’t mean to—“</p><p>“Stop,” Ben says, hoarsely. His hand finds Callum’s cheek, it’s hot to the touch, he slips it back into his hair. “Come here, yeah?”</p><p>“If you want me to go—” Callum whispers, and Ben feels it against his bottom lip, this barely-there buzz.</p><p>“I don’t. Just—just come here.”</p><p>Their mouths touch again, and it’s molten, soft and melty and cautious, Ben’s bottom lip caught wetly between Callum’s. Ben has to let out a shudder of a breath, toes curling up so hard it hurts as he starts to twist his fingers in Callum’s hair. Ben feels out of body, like he can register each touch and press, he can hear the rain tapping heavy fingers on the rooftop and the low buzz of the record player and the rasp of Callum’s breathing but it doesn’t feel real.</p><p>But it is real, so real. And it’s the most intimate moment of Ben’s life, standing in the dark, holding the warm body of this soft boy, kissing him, tender and so full of feeling.</p><p>It’s Callum who pulls away the next time, and when he doesn’t duck straight back in, Ben peels his eyes open slowly to look up at him, <em>panics</em>.</p><p>Callum’s chest is rising and falling noticeably, his eyes intense and gentle all at once, hooded but so open. They’re locked together for a beat, and time seems to stand still for them. All of a sudden, the rain is gone, and there’s just silence. It’s just him and Callum, standing on this invincible plane, bound together.</p><p>“How long?” Callum asks, their faces still pressed up close. He’s so warm, burning up under Ben’s touch.</p><p>“So long,” Ben answers honestly. “So fucking long.”</p><p>“I’m sorry,” Callum breathes past his lips, muffled by another kiss. “‘M so clueless. Is it too late? Please tell me it ain’t too late?”</p><p>“No,” Ben hushes him, tries to pull him closer again with a nudge to his hip, but Callum shakes his head lightly and just stares down at Callum “It ain’t too late. It couldn’t ever be too late.”</p><p>They come back together on a sharp exhale, there’s little hesitancy now. Callum presses Ben against the wall, cradling his jaw and gripping at his hip, breathing heavily. Ben holds him close and tries to stop the little noises bubbling inside him from escaping. He doesn’t succeed.</p><p>“Shit,” Callum breathes, ducking down to bury his face into Ben’s neck, kissing the skin there over and over, breathing him in. “Shit, Ben.”</p><p>“<em>God</em>,” he shudders when Callum kisses wetly at the hinge of his jaw. He threads his hands into Ben’s hair again, so soft and silky beneath his fingers, and pulls him back up to his mouth. He’s never wanted anybody, anything more in his life than this, than the wet press of their mouths, the heat of Callum’s hands sliding down his back. It feels right.</p><p>“You’re beautiful,” Callum gasps out between kisses, pressing in hard. “I’ve wanted to tell you that every day since I moved to that <em>damn</em> school.”</p><p>“Callum,” Ben says again, because he can’t say anything else.</p><p>“You have no idea,” another searing kiss, a hot press of their bodies, “how amazing you are.”</p><p>Ben whines softly, and Callum shudders, grabbing his hand and pulling them backwards. They leave the flashlight, and they have to fumble blindly into Ben’s room. Callum’s hands are hot and possessive on his hips, squeezing him and moving him through the space. They finally find Ben’s bed, and Callum falls down first, pulling Ben on top of him.</p><p>“Oh, my God,” Ben sighs out at the press of their bodies, burying his face in Callum’s neck for a moment to try and form any coherent through.</p><p>“Kiss me,” Callum breathes. “Don’t stop kissing me.”</p><p>And so Callum kisses a line from Ben’s jaw to his lips. He cradles his jaw, presses his thumbs against the hinges, and Callum makes a throaty noise, opening his mouth wide and arching up. Ben gasps in response, and then Callum is flipping them over so quickly that Ben sees stars, reaching up blindly as Callum presses him down.</p><p>Ben likes it like this, he thinks, with Callum’s body covering him, caging him in close. The rain hits the window violently, and Callum licks into Ben’s mouth hotly. His first response is to grapple at Callum’s shirt in surprise. His second, is to open his mouth wider, keening. He’s got a hand in Callum’s hair now, tugging roughly. Callum groans, so deep and chesty. Ben is helpless against him, breathy and shaking.</p><p>When their hips brush together, Callum a steady weight on top of him, his stomach jumps and he pulls away involuntarily, before he can stop himself. Callum pauses, his breathing heavy, and searches his face.</p><p>“Y’alright?” he whispers thickly, brushing his thumb over Ben’s cheek, eyes sated and heavy.</p><p>Ben’s breath stutters in his chest, hands shaking. “I’m just—”</p><p>He lets out another shuddered breath, blinking up at Callum with wide eyes.</p><p>“I know,” Callum says, hushed. “I know.”</p><p>He kisses him again, soft and slow and honey-sweet, brushing his hair away from his forehead gently. He moves his mouth to his neck, just dragging his lips over Ben’s skin and breathing, occasionally kissing him delicately.</p><p>Callum falls sideways, coming to settle next to Ben as they kiss gently. He threads their fingers together, and Ben’s heart flutters in his chest, eyes threatening to grow wet.</p><p>“I can’t believe that just happened,” he breathes, pressing their foreheads together.</p><p>Callum snuffles slightly, pecking Ben’s lips one more time before he tugs him in close, wrapping his arms around him to cuddle him. His chest is warm and cosy and Ben curls around his body willingly. Callum strokes his back, presses kisses to his forehead. It’s so lovely, so delicate and careful that Ben can feel his heart shaking in his chest.</p><p>“Goodnight,” Callum whispers. </p><p>Ben blinks up at him. They stare at each other for a moment, and Ben just lets it rush over him, lets himself go. He tells himself to stop thinking, to stop worrying, to put himself in the here and now; not tomorrow, not when they have to go back to school, when he knows he’ll have to go back to being Callum’s new friend, when he knows to football lads will be on his back and he’ll have to lie to Jay, when he’ll miss Callum so much it’ll make his heart ache. </p><p>Right now he’s got to let himself be happy. Callum’s mouth twitches, and Ben knows that he’s happy, too.</p><p>“Goodnight, Callum." </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. kiss in the kitchen (like it's a dance floor)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p><i>“Did you wanna talk now?” Callum asks softly. “You said you’d had a bad day? I’m all ears.”</i> </p><p>  <i>Ben shakes his head and brushes his lips over Callum’s neck. Once, twice, and twice more. “I want you to kiss me. And then I want to dance.”</i></p><p>  <i>“Yeah, we can do that,” Callum murmurs as he pulls away from Ben. “We can definitely do that.”</i></p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>here's part two!!! again, i have no idea where this is going, how long it'll be or what the hell I'm even doing - the idea just came to my head a few days ago and now i'm completely winging it - so i'm sorry if it's a bit messy and all over the place! </p><p>anyway, i hope you've all had a lovely week! thank you for reading &lt;33</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Summer carries on in a flurry of bright sunrises and pushing daisies, pink and white and yellow, littering the grass. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Mostly, though, Ben lives for the nights. The nights when Callum spends his time on him slow, </span>
  <span>pressed close under the covers of Ben’s bed, school books discarded in favour of putting their hands on each other, </span>
  <span>stretching everything out in a hazy, warmth, and desperate presses of tongues and fingertips. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He lives for Callum reading to him in the almost dark,  when his voice washes over him like a broken wave, gentle in its curve and fizzling out against smooth pebbles, caressing and harmless. </span>
  
  <span>He lives for the way they dance together, the way that Callum will indulge Ben, put on his favourite musical tracks as they sway and dance through the blue light, words floating around them.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He lives for the way they both understand their desperate need for simplicity, their need to just lay together for hours and do nothing at all, to just be. Nothing can be something. Callum’s voice resonates in Ben’s mind endlessly, as it always does, as they lie on their backs and hold hands. It’s those moments that Ben finds himself yearning for the most, when there’s complete calm around them both and they can rest. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Those times don’t come around too often, though. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The school football pitch is a vibrant green now, burning sun and fresh white paint, bright and matching their shorts as they run back and forth, the crowds cheering in the stands as they beat the away team. Ben finds himself slowly detaching from those boys in the team over the weeks, glad to be away from George particularly. He’s still acting hostile in the most subtle of ways, and Ben tries to keep good ground between them for Jay’s sake only. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It proves difficult a lot of the time.</span>
</p><p>:::</p><p>
  <span>“Woah! <em>Woah, woah, hold up!”</em></span>
</p><p>
  <span>It’s a Thursday night, and they’ve just finished up the match, a 2-1 victory against the rival school's team. Ben is fresh out of the shower, standing by his locker and half-dressed. He’s just about to pull his shirt over his head when George shoves into him abruptly, a smug smile covering his face.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>At first, Ben’s entire body goes into panic, ready to push him back. When he sees George’s face, the amusement in his eyes, he settles.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What have we got here?” George crows. The other boys are watching now, peering at them curiously. “You been going around having a bit of fun without telling us, hey?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What you on about?” Ben questions, heart in his throat. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“This,” he prods at the marks littering Ben’s collarbone, purple and fresh and sensitive. Ben turns away and tugs his shirt over his head sharply, skin hot. The boys are all hooting, whistling and begging him to spill.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s none of your business,” he says to George, trying to make his voice light, trying to make it sound like a joke. In reality, he can feel hot panic seeping through him. He needs to be more careful.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Who’s the lucky girl, then?” George raises his eyebrows and grins, sickly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ben turns away and starts packing his things into his bag.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh, come on,” another lad, </span>
  <em>
    <span>Dan</span>
  </em>
  <span>, Ben thinks, pleads from the back. “You’ve gotta give us some details.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“She any good between the sheets?” George asks as he makes a crude gesture, poking his tongue into his cheek, eyebrows wiggling. The boys all erupt into laughter, and Ben pretends to laugh it off, shoves George away playfully, when really, he wants him out of his space.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re mad if you think I’m gonna tell you lot anything,” Ben zips up his bag sharply.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Aw, look, you’re proper hung up on her, ain’t you?” Dan says. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“’Bout time really,” George quips up again. Ben’s eyes shoot to him, and there’s a satisfied, sinister smile on his face, eyes like slits. “Was wondering when you’d catch up.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>There’s an awkward beat that passes, where the other boys all laugh under their breaths, and Ben swallows thickly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Right, well, I’ll see you guys tomorrow,” he says, eager to run.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Mm, if you’re not too busy,” George hums. He’s sitting on one of the benches, his arms crossed, a challenging tilt to his lips. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Bye,” Ben says quietly. He pushes the door open hastily, heart beating in his ears.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>On the way home he almost comes off his bike taking a corner too quick, his tire slipping over the curb and wobbles dangerously. It feels like there’s liquid ice coursing through him, the type that’s so cold it burns. He just wants Callum’s warm hands on him, nothing else. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Except Callum isn’t around, and Ben doesn’t want to bother him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>When he arrives home, alone for the first time since that rainy day last week, he pulls himself upstairs slowly, shuffling into his room and kicking the door behind him. He slumps down onto his bed and leans his elbows on his knees, his throat starting to close over, his vision going muddled and thick as tears well up.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ben tries to breathe, but it hurts, and there’s so much spinning around in his head. He can feel himself starting to panic, can feel his head beating against his skull. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>When the phone rings, shrill and alarming, Ben flinches, whole body locking up.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He answers shakily, fingers trembling a little. “Hello?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey, Ben,” Callum chirps. Ben’s face crumples immediately, and he holds the phone away as he breathes. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey, you alright?” he says, trying not to sound like he’s about to cry.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah—yeah, just taking care of some things,”  says nonchalantly, and Ben brows furrow when he hears muffled laughter in the background, “and I’ll be straight over. Within the hour, if all goes well.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Uh—right,” Ben says, curling in on himself. “Okay.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>There’s a brief pause, and he can hear Callum’s brain whirring. “If that’s alright?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, course. Just—just had a bad day,” Ben whispers, biting his lips.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Callum’s mood changes instantly, his teasing replaced by a reassuring hush. “I’ll be over as soon as I can, yeah? I promise it’ll be worth the wait.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What will?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’ll see,” Callum sings, giggling. Despite himself, Ben feels his lips quirk, even through the tears in his eyes.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay,” he says, a tiny hiccup of laughter.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“See ya later,” Callum promises again, then he hangs up.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The next hour is the longest of Ben’s life, he’s sure. He waits with his back up against the headboard, his legs stretched out on his bed. From here, he can tilt his head and see through the window, down the street. Watching, waiting.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The loud rumble of a car pulling up outside startles him entirely, and he almost falls off the bench when he turns, hand over his heart. He notices Callum’s scarily bald older brother first. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Setting his cup on his bedside table cautiously, Ben approaches the window. Then, the car door opens and Callum’s long limbs tumble out in haste, dressed head to toe in black denim. He looks beautiful, stunningly so, and Ben hastily moves from his bedroom and to the door.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>When he opens it up, the car is driving away in a cloud of black smoke and screeching tires, and Callum stands there with a giant, wrapped box in his arms. He staggers forward, adjusting his grip, and sends Ben a winning smile.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What is that?” Ben questions flatly as he approaches. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh, nothing,” Callum says, squeezing himself through the doorway. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Callum,” Ben calls after him as he starts hesitantly up the stairs.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“C’mon!” Callum calls back, throwing a smile over his shoulder.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ben sighs and follows him quickly, trotting up the staircase as Callum disappears around the corner, humming.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He’s placed the box in the centre of Ben’s bed, and he dusts his hands together and wipes his brow dramatically, letting out a quiet phew. At Ben’s expression, another little smile curls onto his face, and he sits down beside the box, patting it.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well go on then,” Callum says, gesturing to the spot on the other side. Ben shuts his door slowly, his gaze flicking between the box and Callum’s glistening eyes. “Open it.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What have you done…” he starts, sceptical.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Open it,” Callum whines. “Then you’ll find out.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ben rolls his eyes and sits down on his bed, fingers coming to rest over the brown paper. He meets Callum’s gaze, who gives him an encouraging nod, and he rips it away.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Finally, he manages to peel off the layers of wrapping, and he opens the flaps up.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>His heart stops in his chest, his body frozen.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Callum leans forward a little, eyes hopeful, lips bitten into his mouth.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What—” Ben breathes. “Where did you—how—”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>There’s a record player staring back at him, a proper vintage one, and a massive pile of records. There are two small speakers tucked into the corner too.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It was, um, it was my Mums,” Callum’s voice is so soft, and Ben’s heart is pulsing, “she used to love this thing, saved up all the tips she received from the restaurant and, God, it must’ve been eighteen months before she could afford it. But it was worth it, she used to say. She loved this thing, it was her pride and joy. Anyway, it’s just been collecting dust in my room since she-well I thought you should have it.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ben swallows around the lump in his throat, still in the exact same position.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m not sure if the records will be your taste exactly,” Callum continues, sounding distant and unsure. “But I've chucked a few extra's, too, some of my own favourites.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>When Ben doesn’t reply, Callum twitches nervously.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I mean, if you don’t want it, I can take it back. I just thought—”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Callum,” Ben pleads. This is—I can’t accept this. It’s too much. It’s too much.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ben,” Callum mimics. “Listen, I want you to have. And Mum, she’d want you to have it too. She’d hate to know it’s been going to waste. I know you’ll look after it, care for it, give it all the spins she was never able to.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“She sounded like a great woman,” Ben muses, careful with his tone. “With great music taste too, is that the Spice Girls I can see there?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“God, she’d of really loved you, Ben.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Are you sure that you want me to have it?” Ben asks again, he can’t accept it if he thinks Callum will end up regretting his decision to get pass it on. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes, I’m sure,” Callum nudges his shoulder. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It sounds like it was really special to her?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It was. And you’re special to me,” Callum clarifies casually, unaware of the flame licking up Ben’s inside. He continues, gently, “besides, I thought, you know, I could set it up for you and we could have a little dance, just us.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ben’s eyes fill again, and he pulls Callum into a crushing hug, trying to ignore the way his heart is aching, so real and sure. </span>
  <span>Callum is frozen for a moment, before his arms curl around Ben’s back slowly, thumbs brushing gently. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I love it,” Ben croaks out. “Thank you, Callum. Honestly, thank you so much.” </span>
  <em>
    <span>I love it, and I love you. </span>
  </em>
  <span>“It’s amazing. You’re amazing."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Did you wanna talk now?” Callum asks softly. “You said you’d had a bad day? I’m all ears.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ben shakes his head and brushes his lips over Callum’s neck. Once, twice, and twice more. “I want you to kiss me. And then I want to dance.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, we can do that,” Callum murmurs as he pulls away from Ben. “We can definitely do that.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>When Callum touches their lips together delicately, Ben feels every bundle of anxiety and nerves fall away with every press, feels his shoulders loosening as Callum traces patterns the skin at the small of his back, breathing in through his nose.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Go on then, you pick us a song. First one, best make it a good ‘un.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>While Callum is plugging the record player into the speakers, Ben starts to sift through the records in the box. A lot of them he’s never heard of before, frayed on the edges, well loved. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ben sifts through and finds the entire of Oasis’ discography. He pulls (What’s the Story) Morning Glory?  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Callum looks entirely pleased. “I’ve taught you well. I worried you’ were gonna have me dancing to Hairspray or summet, then.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Excuse me!” Ben exclaims in mock offence. “I think you’ll find my music taste is extremely varied, thank you very much.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Skipping from Girls Aloud to Sugababes does not count as variety, Ben.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Shut up and dance with me<em>,”</em> Ben grins.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Despite his dramatic sigh, Callum loops his arm around Ben’s neck nonetheless, pulling him off the desktop and to his feet, swaying with him, tucking Ben’s head under his chin, no escape. Ben breathes out slow and hugs him close, arms wrapped entirely around his back, kissing his neck as they sway to the music.</span>
  <span></span><br/>
<span><br/>
</span>
  <span>They sway slow and soft, dusted in the golds of the setting sun and the pinks of the evening sky, all alone with the rising moon peeking through the blinds, shiny eyes and wet lips catching the light. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>When Ben touches their lips together delicately, he feels every bundle of anxiety and nerves fall away. </span>
  <span>Callum lets out the softest sounds with every press, threads his fingers through Ben’s hair as they sway, pressed up close, with his spare hand he spreads his palms over Ben’s back and draws patterns, words, with his fingers. Ben is so caught up in the moment it’s hard to follow Callum’s movements, but he thinks he recognises;</span>
  <em>
    <span> beautiful, brilliant</span>
  </em>
  <span> and half a dozen</span>
  <em>
    <span> love hearts.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>The track buzzes from </span>
  <em>
    <span>Champagne Supernova</span>
  </em>
  <span> to the next, and the first few notes of</span>
  <em>
    <span> Roll With It </span>
  </em>
  <span>fills the room. WIththe tempo lifted, they go all out. </span>
  <span>Callum falls to his knee, air guitar in hands, and Ben does this stupid Liam Gallagher impression, hands behind back, chest puffed out and Callum’s beanie pulled over his eyes. Callum cries with laughter, like he always does. They end up spinning around the room, dancing and singing, loud enough to wake the neighbours. It makes Ben feel ten years old, like they’re just kids and nothing else matters.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>When the song ends in a flurry of staccato drums and stings, they’re both breathing heavily, grinning at each other.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>And with the track buzzing onto the next, and Callum’s eyes on him, Ben has never felt so good. He </span>
  <span>kisses all over Callum’s face, says </span>
  <em>
    <span>thank you, thank you, thank you*,</span>
  </em>
  <span> over and over again. He just hopes Callum knows what he’s saying thank you for. That’s it’s not just about the records, not just about this moment. That it’s for everything.</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. here comes the sun</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>
  <i>“It’s beautiful,” Callum breathes. "It’s—well, it reminds me of you.” </i>
</p><p> </p><p>  <i>"The world seems a lot nicer from up here, kinder, doesn’t it?” Ben says, and he doesn’t mean to sound so bitter.</i></p><p>  <i>“Yeah,” Callum says slowly, squinting. “It does.”<i></i></i></p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>a few things to take not of before reading:<br/>1. i have just written half of this in the last half an hour and it has not been proofread<br/>2. i am the most tired i've ever been<br/>3. prior to this, i fell asleep on the bus home from work<br/>4. i then downed a couple of pints to keep me awake<br/>5. this si the finished product. i apologies in advance </p><p>thanks x</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>One of the hardest things, Ben soon comes to realise, is splitting himself into two separate people, in two separate worlds.</p><p>Around George, and the rest of the boys, he has to alter himself. He still uses that same sarcasm, jokes with them as best as he can, but it’s not the same laughter that comes as when he’s with Callum. He holds himself differently, a little more cautious, protective, more closed in. Ben knows it’s so unlike himself, he aches with the weight of it.  </p><p>It’s different when it’s just him and Jay. It always has been, he’s his brother. He still holds his heart close, but he shows him more, little snippets of the real Ben. When it’s only George and Ben, like it always was back when they were kids and too young to form their own friendships, though, that’s when things become complicated. </p><p>Jay is busy this weekend, he’d managed to bag two tickets for Saturday’s West Ham match for Billy’s birthday or <em>something, </em>and George had snatched up Ben’s Saturday before Callum had the chance. He’s dreading it, if he’s honest. He’d much rather be spending the day lazing about with Callum, watching movies and napping, living rather than merely existing. </p><p>So far, he and George have spent the morning wandering aimlessly around London’s busiest streets, George with no real intention of buying anything and Ben wanting to pick out some vinyl for his new record player.</p><p>Towards the end of the day, George finally allows them to shuffle into this tiny record store in Camden Town. The dust of the place floats thickly, soft spring light fighting its way through discoloured curtains. </p><p>Of course, it’s just fate that he spots Callum on the far side of the room. </p><p>“This the right place?” </p><p>“Yeah,” Ben says absently. Because. <em> God</em>, Callum looks gorgeous.</p><p>He’s done his hair different today, there’s a distinctive lack of gel, his fringe spilling down over his forehead, he’s wearing stupidly tight deep blue jeans and a white t-shirt to show off his arms.</p><p>“Hurry up then, will ya?” George nudges him. Ben blinks and whips his head towards him, trying to concentrate.</p><p>“Alright, keep your hair on,” he says. He leans against the side of the shelf and sorts through the records rapidly. His eyes slowly drifting away from the colourful covers in front of him and back towards Callum.</p><p>Callum’s got a bunch of books and magazines settled in his hands, and an absent smile on his face Ben adores. Ben’s fingers twitch, whilst his heart jumps. </p><p>“You two still friends, then?” George’’s voice is ice water.</p><p>Ben looks away abruptly. “Yeah, why?”</p><p>George shrugs indifferently. </p><p>“Oh, what now?” Ben huffs after a moment. It’s late in the day now, the shops due to close in the next half hour, Ben’s patience is wearing thin, and quite frankly, he’s had enough. </p><p>“Nothing,” he shrugs again. “Just didn’t peg you down as the type to take pity on the outcasts, y’know?”</p><p>Ben freezes momentarily and stills his fingers. “Right, well, maybe you wouldn’t be saying that if you’d just given him a chance when he moved here.”</p><p>“I just want you to be careful, is all,” George says, holding his hands up in mock surrender. Ben refrains from rolling his eyes. “He’s a weird one.”</p><p>“According to who?” Ben says,<em> “you?” </em></p><p>“Yeah, me,” George replies, as if that’s enough to settle things. “Reckon he faked that leg injury at footie, ain’t manly enough for the game.” </p><p>“Whatever.”</p><p>“I don’t want you to hang around with him anymore,” George says, and it’s so casual it hurts. “Alright?”</p><p>Ben lets out an amused sound, before he can stop himself, twisting his head to look at him. “Wait, you're choosing my mates now for me, too? Don’t think that’s your choice, <em> mate." </em></p><p>“It is when you’re hanging out with freaks,” George argues. Ben’s blood starts to boil, can feel it bubbling under his skin. They stare at each other, tension crackling in Ben’s ears as George levels him with a challenging look.</p><p>“Hey, guys.”</p><p>Ben flinches and almost strains his neck when he turns his head to face Callum, who’s wandered over with an unknowing, friendly smile. Ben goes hot and cold all at once, his emotions running wild, sliding all over the place. He feels out of body. </p><p>“Hey, mate,” Ben says, words odd and strained. Facing away from George, he sends Callum what he hopes is a look of warning. Callum blinks at him for a moment, before he slides his eyes to George and offers him a little wave.</p><p>“Hey,” George mutters. </p><p>“Find anything good?” Ben asks casually. He can’t stop his eyes from running over Callum’s body, over his face, meeting his eyes. </p><p>“Some vintage magazines, a couple of books, not much,” Callum shrugs. He holds out the books in his hands, spines stacked so that the titles face Ben, each copy looks almost destroyed.</p><p>“You like reading, Halfway?” George asks.</p><p>“Uh, yeah,” Callum answers slowly. “Well, anything that’s not set by Mrs. Duffy, she has this <em> insane </em>ability to drain the fun out of everything.”</p><p>“Oh, because you’re so often the life and soul, are you?” George says. Ben clenches his teeth together slowly, heart thudding away. </p><p>“Well, yeah,” Callum huffs a soft laugh, “I try.”</p><p>“Hm, you’re right about that,” George says.</p><p>There’s something there, under Georges’s indifference, almost a tone of warning. Ben can hear his pulse in his ears. He feels like if he moves, the tension will snap like a rubber band and leave him split open.</p><p>“So uh, what’re you into? Besides football? Comics? Or music, like Ben?</p><p>George snorts and mutters under his breath. Then, he finally spares Callum a glance, disdained and showing little attempt at being civil. “None of your business, really. Unless, y’know, this is you hitting on me?”</p><p>The way Callum’s face clouds over makes Ben shrink away, the sheer intensity and fear that seeps into the lines of his mouth and folds itself into his eyes. It’s then, with George smirking to himself and Callum’s fingers gripping tight onto his books, that Ben realises he needs to say something, <em> anything.</em></p><p>“George, mate, leave it,” he tries.</p><p>“I mean I’m flattered mate, but I ain’t no freak,” George continues, finally facing Callum fully and leaning casually against the shelf. “So tone it down a bit will you.” </p><p>When Callum doesn’t respond, eyes steely and lips pressed together, George lets out a jeering patter of laughter and shakes his head.</p><p>“You gotta be careful, man,” George says as he leans closer. “Don’t want people thinking—”</p><p><em>“George,”</em> Ben hisses, pushing at his chest. “Pack it in.”  </p><p>“Don’t think I’m the one who needs to, actually,” is George’s haughty reply. Callum lifts his head slowly, but he’s shaking, his whole body is trembling and his eyes look wet.</p><p>“Lads!” They all turn their heads. The shop manager is approaching with his arms crossed over his chest, wrinkled forehead deepened by the unimpressed frown he’s wearing. “Knock it off or take it outside.”</p><p>“Sorry mate,” George apologises innocently. “Ben and I were just leaving anyway. C’mon.”</p><p>Ben feels sick, he flicks his eyes to Callum’s desperately. He says; <em> we’ll talk later, I’m so sorry, please don’t do anything stupid, it’s okay he’s an idiot, I hate him, I’m sorry, </em> with his eyes <em> . </em></p><p>Callum takes in a long, shuddery breath before he walks away, brushing past Ben and to the till. He drops his things onto it and hunches his shoulders in. </p><p>“Let’s get outta here,” George says. </p><p>Ben, unable to formulate any kind of response over the sludge sitting heavy in his throat, follows him out the door wordlessly. He doesn’t spare Callum another glance. </p><p>:::</p><p>Later that night, he walks absently over to Callum’s place. It’s clouded over gradually throughout the day, and now late evening brings a veil of dark blues and greys over what was earlier brilliant yellows and oranges. </p><p>The flat is set in darkness when Ben lets himself through the gate, remembering the code from the one time he’d been here before. Stuart’s car is missing in the carpark, only a square of dead pine needles in its place, and Ben thanks his lucky stars this once. </p><p>After his fourth attempt at knocking, Ben sighs to himself and tries the door handle. He opens it just a crack. There’s faint music floating down the corridor, so he lets himself in quietly.</p><p>He has to take a moment to pause before he opens Callum’s bedroom door, soft, mellow music making him drift closer. The first thing he notices as he steps inside that the light is dull and blocked by the curtains, turning everything bleary and dark. The second is that the room is trashed, clothes and books and bits and pieces strewn all over messily.</p><p>Callum himself is curled in a small ball on his bed, facing the wall. When he hears Ben enter, he lifts his head slowly and drifts his vacant eyes to him, expressionless.</p><p>There’s a moment of pause where Ben's mouth falls open a little as he blinks at the room, at Callum. Then, he shuts the door behind him and leans against it.</p><p>“Cal,” he says softly. Callum blinks once, twice, then flops his head back onto his pillow and takes a breath. When he exhales, his chest shakes, and his eyes glisten in the corners. The view makes Ben’s chest ache.</p><p>“Hey, hey,” Ben says gently as he approaches. He pries open Callum’s fingers on his left hand, from where they’re scrunched tight in a ball with little effort. His hands go limp under Ben’s touch. “Are you alright?”</p><p>“Not sure,” Callum mumbles, eyelids resting heavy and red. Ben’s stomach sinks lower.</p><p>“I’m sorry” Ben whispers. He sits down behind Callum tentatively, pressing his palm over his chest. “I’m so sorry.”</p><p>Callum takes a moment to respond, his fingers twitching. “It’s alright.”</p><p>They fall into silence. Callum’s breaths are audible and heavy, his back tense. Ben clenches his eyes shut tight. He hasn’t ever seen Calum like this, would never have imagined him like this. He seems almost destructive, curled into himself amongst the weight of the world and the mess on the floor.</p><p>“No, it ain’t alright,” Ben whispers into Callum’s hair. His throat is tight. “I should’ve said something, I should’ve shut him up, I should've just—” </p><p><em>“Don’t,”</em> Callum warns, and the sharpness to his voice sounds odd. Then, he relaxes a bit more, and the next words that tumble out are softer. “It ain’t your fault George is a prick. You don’t need to apologise, not for him.”</p><p>“Okay,” Ben breathes. He presses a soft kiss to Callum’s cheek. “But I am, sorry.” </p><p>Callum gives him a watery smile. “I know,” he sniffles. “It’s alright.” </p><p>Ben leans in closer and kisses him soft. Callum’s fingers come up to trace Ben’s arms, slowly, so slowly, as he presses his tongue against Ben’s languidly, unhurried and gentle. The only sound that reaches Ben’s ears is the quiet, wet press of their lips, and Callum’s stuttered breathing.</p><p>Despite the softness of it all, Ben tries to make Callum understand. Tries to tell him with a press of his lips what he can’t say with words. He doesn’t want to see Callum like this again, so lost inside himself, and quite. So unlike his usual self. It scares Ben, that his own fears could allow someone as vicious as George tear him and Callum apart. </p><p>The thought strikes him sudden and hot, and he pulls away. Callum’s teeth linger on Ben's bottom lip for a moment, before he flicks open his tired eyes.</p><p>“You’d tell me, if things were getting too much? If you were unhappy with me, yeah?” Ben asks. “If you wanted out?”</p><p>“Don’t be daft,” Callum mumbles, nuzzling closer. </p><p>“I’m not.”</p><p>“Yeah,” Callum confirms. “Yeah, I’d tell you. But I ain’t ever going to want out, not from<em> you </em> or <em> this </em>or any of it.” </p><p>They reconnect then, perhaps even more delicate than before. It reminds Ben of the first time they kissed, just a gentle press of their lips before they pull back for a moment. Except this time neither of them are in control. They dip together blindly.</p><p>Ben’s fingers find Callum’s among the sheets. He holds onto them like an anchor as they float together.<br/><br/>:::</p><p>“Callum.”</p><p>Ben gets his arm loose from the sheet and tries again, searching for the Callum in the dark. His knuckles brush his skin.</p><p><em>“Cal,</em> wake up.”</p><p>He tilts his head back, eyes still adjusting to the dark, looming over him. Callum’s eyes flicker open slowly and immediately, Ben feels his face flush pink, swallows thick and heavy as he takes in Callum, his deep blue eyes, smile brighter than the rising sun, he brings one hand to Ben’s head, the other curls tight on his shoulder.</p><p>“Finally,” Ben sighs, and he can feel the warmth of Callum beneath him, can smell his skin and the rain and something like still-damp shampoo. “I thought you were dead.”</p><p>Still speechless, Callum rolls slowly, taking Ben with him, sitting back on his legs and blinking sleepily through the shadows, eyes scrunching when he smiles. </p><p>“Dramatic,” Callum says, whisper-soft. “Was sleeping.” </p><p>“Well, you ain't now are you?” Ben says, voice scratchy. </p><p>“Everything alright?” Callum sniffs, nuzzling his face closer. Ben lets out a shuddering breath as Callum's fingers start to trace the skin of his back, wiggling them just under his shirt.</p><p>“Yeah,” he exhales. Callum leans down to press a soft kiss to his lips, holding him there for so long, just breathing.</p><p>His mind is reeling, skin tingling from Callum’s touch as he stands and tugs the sheet off their bodies.</p><p>“Hey!” Callum whisper-shouts. He’s just in his boxers, all long legs and gangly arms, but Ben is nothing but amused as he pesters Callum to move, shoving them out of the door once dresses, shushing him as he manoeuvres them both through the hall, creeping like mice down the stairs.</p><p>“Where are you taking–”</p><p>“Sh.”</p><p>
  <em> “Ben–” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “Sh!” </em>
</p><p>Ben presses a finger to Callum’s lips. Ben kind of wants Callum grab his wrist and keep it there.</p><p>Downstairs, moonlight slips through the slits in the tall curtains, blue, silver, hot flushes of the sunset pulling up, a checkerboard of tones splayed out like mix-matched flowers. Ben rustles through the kitchen cupboards with intent whilst Callum, awkward, unsure of himself, yet so gorgeous, stands in the middle of the kitchen with his arms crossed loosely over his stomach. </p><p>Finally, after eons of quiet searching, Ben turns with a giddy smile, a bottle of Stuarts’s finest whiskey cradled in hand, hidden amongst an array of pots and pans.</p><p>“Are you insane? It’s like, half five in the morning,” Callum exclaims. “Plus my brother will probably kill you.”  </p><p>“Good job he don’t know I’m here then,” Ben says, winking as he closes the cabinet. </p><p>They kiss lazily then, Callum with Ben pushed against the counter, slick mouths and soft fingers that press in just the tiniest bit. Slowly, the light around them lifts and blue becomes purple.</p><p>“I want to show you something,” Ben says, pulling his head up slowly. Callum’s hand settled on his neck.</p><p>“What?” Callum asks. </p><p>“Come on,” Ben smiles softly up at him, tugging at his free hands. “We’ll have to be quick. I usually leave earlier than this.”</p><p>Callum looks puzzled, but Ben presses a kiss to his neck and pulls his hands to spin them around before he ushers Callum to the door.</p><p>Outside the air is cool and sticky, the lingering heat turned into humidity, and Ben licks at his dry mouth as it hits. The clouds are soft and sparse, filtering across and over them in long swoops. The sky looks as if it goes on forever, like life is impossibly huge, infinite, untouchable.  </p><p>“Where are you taking me?” Callum calls out, looking unsure.</p><p>“Just trust me,” Ben says over his shoulder. “Alright?” </p><p>Finally, they reach their destination, and Ben holds out his hand.</p><p>Gently, Callum takes it, and they climb the hill like that, through the nooks and secret passages. When they reach the peak, the first rays of sun are rolling over the hills.</p><p>“Oh,” Callum breathes out, coming to stop beside Ben, eyes wide as he looks over everything. “Oh, wow.”</p><p>They stand there in silence, and Ben’s fingers won’t stop shaking. He’s never, ever shown anyone this space before. This is his, this is something private, something too close to his heart. He watches Callum watching the sky, his mouth parted slightly, hair coiled tight.</p><p>“Do you—do you come up here every day?” Callum asks, eyes on the horizon.</p><p>“I try to,” Ben says. “Ever since I was a kid. Although, I ain’t as much of a morning person these days.”</p><p>“It’s beautiful,” Callum breathes. It’s—well, it reminds me of you.” </p><p>“<em> Soft. </em>The world seems a lot nicer from up here, kinder, doesn’t it?” Ben says, and he doesn’t mean to sound so bitter.</p><p>“Yeah,” Callum says slowly, squinting. “It does.”</p><p>They settle into silence again then, watching as the sun comes up, pulling an array of colours with it. Ben closes his eyes and breathes in through his nose as he unscrews the whiskey top, takes a sip before holding the bottle out for Callum.</p><p>Reluctantly, Callum takes the bottle of whiskey, and together they sit at the hills edge, their thighs pressed together, that single touch enough to spark a shudder of ripples down Ben’s spine, skin ruffling with goosebumps. Callum glows; the light seeks him out, day or night, it seems, and Ben watches, magnetised to him, in some form of a trance as Callum takes a swig of the bottle.</p><p>“I wish we could stay here forever,” Callum says into the sky. </p><p>
  <em> We. Us. You and me. Forever? </em>
</p><p>“I don’t want to stay anywhere forever,” Ben says, words slow.</p><p>“Why’s that?” Callum questions, head lolling onto Ben’s shoulder, brow all furrowed like he’s surprised that Ben doesn’t agree. </p><p>“Because I’ve already spent long enough stuck where I am now,” he answers honestly. “Where I’ll probably stay until I die.”</p><p>“It ain’t gotta be that way,” Callum says, rolling onto his side, staring up at Ben fiercely. “Me and you, we could go wherever we want.”</p><p>Ben is silent then, the words settling heavily between them. The night is quiet, barely even the chirp of bugs that the summer months bring, and in the rising heat, he can hear Callum breathing, feels the steady inhale before the shaky exhale comes.</p><p>“We’re gonna conquer the world,” He says, head rising back up and hands moving excitedly, the words echo. “Just me and you, forever.” </p><p>
  <em> I don’t want to stay anywhere forever. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Forever. Forever. I could do forever if it was with you. </em>
</p><p>“Yeah,” Ben muses. “Yeah, I think I could manage that.” </p><p>Callum blinks up at him. His lashes have clumped together. The moon is sinking steady and slow. Morning is coming.</p><p>“Ben,” Callum drawls, shuffling impossibly closer. “What’re you so afraid of?”</p><p><em> You, </em> Ben thinks helplessly. <em> My Dad, the boys, life, love. All of this. You. </em></p><p>Maybe the silence speaks for itself, answers itself, folds into itself and disappears, because when Ben dares to lift his eyes stares back, Ben can see the shakiness of Callum’s chest too, that look in his eyes, and for all his sunshine smiles, ditzy charm, maybe Callum is just as terrified of this as Ben is. </p><p>Yet maybe he wants it just as much as Ben does, too. </p><p>They both know how to put on a show when they need to, football pitches and sliding tackles, songs sung in the mirror and dance moves flung in bedrooms, the figure in the shadows, but they both know a darkness, too. One so raw, exposed yet buried at the same time. It’s a waiting game, the fear of shrivelling up, being forgotten, losing control.<em> Unwanted. Unloved. </em></p><p>They fall and knock together carefully. Callum’s mouth tastes like whiskey and heat and just like Ben’s own, tongue and teeth; blood pumping fast, the sun with its beams in their hearts, tears melting with the force of it, like they never even existed.</p><p>Callum makes this sound, this soft sound that sends Ben reeling. There are hands on his hips, fingers in his hair, on his chest. Callum is everywhere.</p><p>When they finally break away, ragged breathing and eyes wide, Callum’s hand finds Ben’s cheek, keeps his mouth parted with his thumb as they stare at each other. Everything is warm and suffocating and Ben doesn’t ever want to let go. Even in the bright light, he can see the flush of Callum’s cheeks, can feel it, how much warmth is radiating from him. He can’t look away. If he looks away, he might wake up. This might all be some strange figment of his imagination, a dreamworld he’s made up to escape.</p><p><em> You’re changing things</em>, Ben thinks, eyes hot as Callum kisses him again, both hands cupping at Ben’s jaw. <em> Every time you look at me, you alter a part of me. You’re doing it now. And nothing will be the same again. You’re changing me. </em></p><p>
  <em> You’re changing my heart.  </em>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. under the light of a thousand stars</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Once their eyes catch, Ben can’t pull himself away. They’re magnets, the strongest kind, heavy-duty or something. Ben’s mind is a muddle. All he can feel is the warmth pooling in his stomach and spreading to his cheeks as Callum watches him in the dark. There’s a gentle curve to his mouth. </p><p>“I want to give you a star,” Ben breathes. “The brightest one.”</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>hello again! sorry this update took a little longer than expected!! </p><p>i think there'll be two more (lengthier) chapters after this one - the next chapter will bring the angst - so this one is mostly happy and fluffy for you &lt;33</p><p>i hope you're all okay. stay safe, wherever you are x</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The end of the month brings a much needed long weekend break from school.</p><p>George has been almost insufferable in the last few weeks, keeping Ben by his side like some kind of pet, watching his every move and sweeping him away between classes and break times. </p><p>Ben now spends his lunches shoved between broad shoulders at that tiny table he’s come to despise so much, instead of tucked away behind the bike shed with the boy he’s come to love so much. At the table, he mostly gets talked over and muttered at and generally ignored, but he doesn’t mind all that much. He’d rather have no input into anything that they say. But it’s infectious air and it makes him feel sick and lethargic. It makes him feel like he’s slowly crumbling away into dust.</p><p>When Thursday afternoon comes though, Ben escapes right on the bell. Callum is already waiting for him at the bike shed, and they ride home together quickly, chatting each other’s ears off animatedly as they ride. George can keep him contained as much as he wants at school, but he’ll never be able to stop them once they’re out of those gates, he’ll never take <em> this </em> from Ben.</p><p>Now that school is done for four days, Ben plans to spend most of it with Callum. On the Friday night, one of their fellow year thirteens - Charley – is hosting a house party. Of course, Ben is instantly roped into going by George, and also Jay, who claims it’ll be fun for them to go out together. </p><p>Ben is more than a little apprehensive. He doesn’t know how mixing alcohol with not being able to touch Callum is going to turn out, if he’s honest with himself.</p><p>But, he goes, because if he doesn’t George will never let him hear the end of it.</p><p>Charley lives nearer to Jay’s place than Ben’s or George’s - not far from Callum’s - across town, in this tall glass and wood-panelled house. The front garden is sprawled with hedges and ageing trees, fairy lights leading the path to the door. The pines stand like soldiers behind it, thick and firm. Ben’s never seen anything like it. </p><p>There’s a mix of year twelves and thirteens, a few year elevens loitering too, as there usually always is. There’s a record player set up in the corner, large speakers pumping something unrecognisable, and quite frankly, offensive. Jay, on the other hand, perks up immediately, already bopping his head. Ben would be lying if he said the sight didn’t make him smile. </p><p>“Is that girl of your coming tonight?” George says into his ear as they squeeze through a group and into the kitchen, snapping Ben out of his short-lived happiness. “That one you were seeing?”</p><p>Ben, momentarily confused, balks. “Uh. No, don’t think so.”</p><p>“That’s a shame, ain’t it Jay?” George says, though he doesn’t sound too upset about it. “Would’ve been nice to see that she actually exists.”</p><p>“Cut it out, mate,” Jay says, and George blinks a little in disbelief. “Let's just have a good night, without getting all aggy, yeah?”</p><p>George rolls his eyes slightly and pulls the fridge open. “Whatever you say, man.”</p><p>Jay presses his lips into a little line, but when he turns to Jay it shifts into a small smile. Ben returns it slowly, knows he’ll always have Jay by his side.</p><p>Once they each have a beer in hand, they shuffle back into the living room. George spots some of the football lads sitting on the sofa and squeezes himself in between them. Ben and Jay sit on the smaller one opposite them, off cream against the strangely coloured carpet.</p><p>After half an hour, Ben finds himself thoroughly wishing he was anywhere else. He still hasn’t seen Callum, and the lads are becoming more and more insufferable as their drinks go down. </p><p>Finally, close to ten o’clock, Callum arrives. And, <em>God,</em> he looks gorgeous, hair feathery and soft and flat on his forehead. He’s wearing this white shirt that Ben’s never seen him in before and a pair of nicely fitting dark jeans, and Ben kind of aches to touch him, to maybe hold his hand and feel the places their fingers slot together with such familiarity.</p><p>It’s all Ben can do to down his drink quickly, will his hands to stop shaking and heart beating wildly. Jay sends him an odd glance.</p><p>There’s a group of girls gathered by the fireplace, watching Callum. Ben can see the way their eyes follow him, can see the shine of lipgloss as they whisper to each other, can hear their giggles as they try to impress. He can’t blame them, though, Callum does look stunning, as he always does, standing out without even trying. He looks like a dream, bundled up in a mirage of a sharp jawline and deep eyes, soft lips and long fingers.</p><p>This hot, <em>hot</em> possessiveness flushes through Ben’s entire body, and he goes red at the thought of it, surprised at himself.</p><p>As Callum is led into the kitchen by Charley he throws Ben a tiny, private smile over his shoulder.</p><p>“You want another drink?” Jay asks from beside him. Ben shakes himself out of his reverie. <em> He definitely needs another drink. </em></p><p>Later, much later, Ben realises that attempting to drink away his urge to be with Callum may have backfired spectacularly. He can practically feel his fingers buzzing. He needs to find him, he needs to talk to him at least. </p><p>It’s when George has his tongue down some girls throat, and his hand halfway up her skirt, that Ben decides he has to move. Because all he can do is think about Callum, and how he wants to sit on his lap at parties and kiss him. He wants everyone to see.<em> He wants everyone to see, and he wants that to be okay </em>. It makes his chest ache a little, and he shakes himself out of it angrily. </p><p>He can feel himself on the brink of a drunk emotional nosedive, so he extracts himself from the sofa quickly, muttering to Jay about going to the bathroom. Half stumbling into the hallway, Ben scans the house with blurry eyes.</p><p>He stumbles through the back of the hallway, manoeuvring through the couples kissing against the walls and the legs of teenagers who are stretched out on the floor.</p><p>With no luck anywhere inside the house, Ben turns to slide the back door open, there’s a group of his year group standing around, and they all look at him curiously for a moment before going back to their conversations. But Ben can't find it in himself to give them a second glance, not when Callum is sat directly in front of him, looking at Ben over his shoulders, a slow, shy smile creeping onto his face.</p><p>It’s only when Callum turns his head to meet an unfamiliar voice, that Ben realises there’s someone sat beside Callum. A girl, lip gloss shining and hair poker-straight, there laughing about whatever, Ben doesn’t know. Something ugly and fire-hot curls in his stomach. It’s irrational and he hates it.</p><p>“Oh—hey, Ben,” the girl chirps, and Ben has no idea how she knows his name, but the way her and Callum share a look, tells him. “You alright?” she asks. Ben leans his body forward to peer at Callum, who just looks amused.</p><p>“Yeah,” he huffs a laugh, “you two alright?”</p><p>“Am now,” Callum says, looking at Ben, from head to toe, before staring back resolutely up at the sky. </p><p>With a pointed look at Callum, and a grin at Ben, the girl slinks away, humming under her breath.</p><p>“Have fun, you two,” she yells as she goes. “See you around.” </p><p>Ben notices then that the other people have filtered inside too, and it’s just the two of them left outside.</p><p>Ben sits beside Callum in the middle of the wooden patio, the moon rising and the sun setting and the entire world caught between them like two palms coming together. There’s a lingering smile on both their faces, eyes shiny and reflective, mirrors to each other. </p><p>“I’ve been looking for you all over,” Ben voices into the quiet. “Just wanted to be with you all night.” </p><p>“Hey, I’m here. You’ve got me now.” </p><p>“Always?”</p><p><em>“Always,”</em> Callum repeats, confirms, as he looks up at the sky with soft eyes. "Not having a good time?" </p><p>"The parties alright, it's the company that's lacking—tough crowd," he whispers, the blossom of insecurity in his stomach uncurling and clawing its way into his throat. "If you hadn’t noticed, I ain't got many good, nice, friends." <br/><br/>“Well, what about George and that from the team?” Callum asks.</p><p>Ben huffs a laugh, and it hurts his chest. “Those aren’t my friends.”<br/><br/>“I thought…” Callum starts, then trails off. “Why—why do you hang out with them, then?”<br/><br/>“Because they're all I've ever known, and I ain’t good at being by myself,” Ben says, and suddenly he’s spilling his guts and it’s messy and he can’t stop. “Because when you live in a place like this, this tiny Square where everyone knows everyone's business, everyone's the same, but you’re a little too different—you ain’t got anywhere to hide. Sometimes you have to give up things you love, play a sport that you hate, hide behind people like George, just so you ain't gotta be alone.”<br/><br/>When he stops talking, he slowly clamps a hand over his mouth and digs his fingers into his skin, letting out a shuddery breath. He wants to cry, and if he lets a few silent tears slide down his face, nobody has to know.<br/> <br/>Callum is silent for a long time, and then he speaks; a soft, slow uncurl that makes stomach shake. “I’ll be your friend, your <em>very best friend. </em> ”<br/><br/>Ben bites down on the back of his knuckles, bites at his arm to keep himself together, to try and control the way his chest is convulsing and shuddering and threatening to make him cry out.</p><p>“You already are.” </p><p>“And what about Jay?” Callum ponders. “Ain’t he your mate?” </p><p>“Yeah,” Ben confirms. “Yeah he is, the very best—apart from you, of course—but he’s—he’s just <em>stuck</em> in the middle of it all, always has been. I wouldn’t blame if he despised me at this point.” </p><p>“He <em>loves</em> you.”</p><p>“I don’t know why.”</p><p>“I do,” Callum says, looking Ben’s way with a raise of his brow. “Anyway, you’ve got two friends now, that’s one more than me.”</p><p>“Idiot,” Ben hums, shadow clinging to the corners of his vision, and he closes his eyes, Callum laughing softly under his breath. </p><p>“Who was that girl?” Ben questions then, as he desperately tries to hide any ugly jealousy from his words. “Didn’t recognise her.”</p><p>“Lily,<em> apparently,”</em> Callum answers. “An on-off girlfriend of Charley’s. Nice girl, wiser than she looks. We were just putting the world to rights. Love, life, the stars - and all that.”</p><p>Ben hums, his stomach settling in an instant. </p><p>“I ain't ever really paid much attention to the stars,” Callum continues, almost wistful.</p><p>“No? I think that is one thing I like about this place,” Ben whispers, almost like a secret, one he doesn’t want to admit. “The clear nights,<em> the stars, </em> alive and shooting.” </p><p>“I should appreciate them more, I think,” Callum hums. Ben’s eyes fall victim to the slope of his tilted jaw, and stay stuck there. "They're beautiful, ain't they?"</p><p>Once their eyes catch, Ben can’t pull himself away. They’re magnets, the strongest kind, heavy-duty or something. Ben’s mind is a muddle. All he can feel is the warmth pooling in his stomach and spreading to his cheeks as Callum watches him in the dark. There’s a gentle curve to his mouth. </p><p>“I want to give you a star,” Ben breathes. “The brightest one.”</p><p>Callum bites his bottom lip into his mouth, smiling. “Yeah? How’re you gonna do that?”</p><p>They’re both a little breathless from the intensity of moment, despite their stillness. Even in the darkness, Ben can make out the sharp glistening in Callum’s eyes, the stretch of his smile. Everything feels magnified, every breath and every movement. </p><p>Slowly, Ben turns his head over his shoulder to look behind them. He can’t see anyone.</p><p>When Ben puts his hands on Callum’s chest and pushes him back gently so that he thuds against the grass below them, the heat of his skin feels like fire, like burning stars.</p><p>Wordlessly, Ben crawls over Callum, lays himself down on top of him, takes his face into his hands and kisses him so deeply and sweetly that his eyes burl, fingers on fire and heart too. </p><p>He kisses Callum soft and slow, a storm of gentle touches and it feels brilliant. It feels like the sun kissing the horizon; familiar yet brand new. It feels like the stars kissing the sky; flickering, becoming private beneath a cloud, yet burning brighter than ever.</p><p>Ben is trembling when he pulls away and goes back in for another kiss, barely taking in enough air because he has to have this<em>, have Callum, </em>always. Callum whines when their lips touch again, a gorgeous little sound that tickles Ben’s mouth.</p><p>“We can’t, Ben. Not here,” Callum says, his voice breaking on the last word as Ben presses an open-mouthed kiss to his throat, breathing harshly.</p><p>“Can’t we?”</p><p>And to be honest, Ben doesn’t care for the <em> shouldn’t’s </em> and <em> couldn’t’s, </em>not right now. He doesn’t want to think. He just wants Callum; wants him when the moonlight hits his eyes, when his smile shines brighter than the sun. </p><p>And so he drags his slack mouth back up to Callum’s and claims him the way he needs to. Ben sometimes wonders if it’ll ever be enough, if he’ll ever get his fill, if he’ll ever stop feeling so needy-greedy for the way Callum looks at him with stars in his eyes and touches him as if he’s the only thing that matters.</p><p>Callum pulls away a minute, and many kisses, later, his lids are still shut, brow furrowed. When he slowly opens his eyes, flickering madly over Ben’s own, his voice is barely there. “Is it too soon to say that I love you?”</p><p>Every single nerve ending in Ben’s body lights up, blood pulsing through him in a mad rush, a mad scramble, to process the sudden bang in front of his vision, like fireworks. He shakes his head vigorously and kisses hard, his hands too tight, their noses bumping.</p><p>“No,” he breathes, and he feels like he’s about to cry. “No, it’s not.” </p><p>“I think I do,” Callum says. “I think I do love you.”</p><p>“I love you too,” Ben chokes out. “Callum, you—you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me.”</p><p>They kiss messily, so fast, too fast, tongue and teeth and thudding hearts.</p><p>“You’re so important to me,” Callum huffs into Ben’s mouth, his hands frantic over his body. “You feel like coming home. Like I’m finally where I belong.”</p><p>“Hey,” Ben whispers. And he’s started to tear up now, and in the silver light, Callum’s eyes are reflective, like a mirror. <em>“Stop,</em> you’re gonna make me cry, ruin my rep.” </p><p>“I’m just so happy that I found you,” Callum sniffs. “I don’t know what I would have done if I had to be alone again after everything. I didn’t want to be alone again. I wanted to be back home, back with my Mum. But when I’m with you it feels the same. It feels like I’m surrounded by music and home-baked lemon cakes and soft eyes. It feels warm. It feels like I’m supposed to be here.”</p><p>“I feel that way too,” Ben nods desperately, holding Callum’s face in his hands, brushing the tears away. “I’ve spent so long trying to escape this place, but now you’re here, there’s nowhere else I’d want to be. I know I’ve only known you for a few months, but you’ve changed my life, Callum. You’ve made everything so much better.”</p><p>Callum kisses him again then, and it’s messy, lips sticky with cheap beer, but it’s the best kind of kiss, heartbeats in throats, pulses in fingertips. They grasp at each other desperately in the dark, chests heaving.</p><p>Some people may doubt it, but Ben knows he loves Callum, and he knows Callum loves him right back. He feels it so purely. And it’s not just the fact that Callum is the first person, perhaps the <em> only person </em> that Ben has given himself to entirely, the only person he’s ever taken his heart out for and shown every crack and crevice. It’s also the way Callum says his name, the way just a tiny change in his smile changes his expression completely, his hands and his voice and the silly way he gets when it’s just the two of them. It’s the way that he knows exactly when Ben needs him to be gentle with him and when he needs him to be anything but, when he needs him to hold or to dance. <em> It’s everything.  </em></p><p>“I have an idea,” Ben says as they break apart briefly. Callum swallows his words up, cheeks flushed.</p><p>“Sounds dangerous,” he replies eventually, his lips curling upward gradually. With his pulse still thumping in his head and his fingers shaking, Ben looks behind him one more time before he grabs Callum by the wrist and pulls him up and along quickly.</p><p>“Where’re we going?” Callum asks, his other hand a warm weight on Ben’s hip.</p><p>“Somewhere that isn’t this party,” Ben links their fingers together. “I want you all to myself.”</p><p>Callum tightens his hold and joins his side eagerly. “Lead the way.”</p><p>They stumble down across the garden and onto the street in front, midnight crawling over them in flickers of silver and blue. Callum laughs breathlessly as they sprint down the road and into a lone park, winding between the trees, trading the grass for pine needles and thick branches. Ben doesn’t stop running until the music from the party is just a faint thud in the distance, until Callum’s breath is hot on his neck and loud in the darkness.</p><p>They trip and stumble in the dark, the moon cutting through the pines sharply. The stars are their torches, bright little things guiding their way. Finally, when Ben’s head is dizzy from both the sudden exercise and Callum’s three words running circles, he stops abruptly and drags Callum behind the cover of a thick trunk.</p><p>Neither of them have caught their breath when Ben seals their lips together messily. It’s all random presses and slips of tongue. Callum’s hands fly to his back instantly and press, sliding down, down, down and lower still. He pulls him impossibly closer, slots a thigh between Ben’s legs so he’s practically riding Callum’s thigh. It draws a hiccupped whimper out of him.</p><p>Ben opens his mouth wider, tugs at Callum’s hair sharply and scrambles to hold on. He can’t stop the little noises spilling from his mouth as Callum grinds his hips against him, his index finger digging below his belt. It sends heat zipping up his spine, it makes him want,<em> so, so much. </em></p><p>There’s nothing but their laboured breaths and their little bubble of warmth, their hands on each other and the brushing of their clothes. Just them and the stars and midnight.</p><p>“You’re amazing,” Callum whispers, smiling softly against Ben’s pulse point. </p><p>“So’re you,” Ben replies, just as quiet in the darkness settled around them. Ben feels like they’re in their own little world, existing on a plane that nobody else can see, that nobody could ever hope to reach.</p><p>“I love you,” Callum says, words seemingly rolling of his tongue now. They sound gorgeous.<em> So, so gorgeous.</em> “I know I do.” </p><p>“And I love you,” Ben whispers, and it’s so, so quiet. But it’s enough. “More than anything.” </p><p>Callum tilts his head up, eyes roaming the sky. “Look, Ben.”</p><p>Ben lifts his eyes.</p><p>“There’s your star,” Callum muses. The stars twinkle by the hundreds, gathering thickly. Ben has no idea which star he’s talking about in particular, but he knows that it’s up there somewhere.</p><p>“Our star,” Ben corrects.</p><p>He presses a kiss to the corner of Callum’s mouth. Callum chases after his lips when he pulls away, and they kiss delicately.</p><p>“Y'know, this would be cuter if your hand wasn’t down my pants,” Ben says, giggling.</p><p>"Shut up," Callum says, the moonlight kissing his skin gently, lighting him like the surface of a still lake, and even now, Ben is stunned by the sight of him, by how utterly beautiful he is. "I'm always cute." </p><p>Ben tilts his head back towards the stars, eyes dancing across constellations he can’t name, and he sends a thought there, to any celestial body that may be listening in on the tragic follies of humans: <em>please let me have this forever. Please let me have him forever</em>.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. i know you'd never leave me behind (but i am lost this time)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Callum’s hand cups Ben’s jaw.</p>
<p>“One day,” he says, their noses close, Ben frozen as he registers the warmth in Callum’s palm, the place he can feel his pulse thudding. Between the sheets, Callum’s free hand finds Ben’s pinky, links them together gently. Another inch closer and their lips brush, dry, summer-cracked, wet inside like honey. “One day, it’ll just be me and you against the world.” </p>
<p>
  <i>Now wouldn’t that be perfect?<i></i></i>
</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>warnings of violence and homophobic language in this chapter, about half the way down - please skip this chapter if that is what you need to do - look after yourself x</p>
<p>I'm sorry but i promise, it will get better!!!! </p>
<p>chapter title from lost - dermot kennedy</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Like a cat waking from sleep, Callum slips his legs from the sheets and throws it over Ben’s own, knees bundling up together on top of the duvet, and their bodies are so warm, eclectic where they touch. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ben sits up, maybe as a reflex, maybe to get even closer. Callum is right there, sleep-soft and glowing in the beginnings of a new day, and the temptation is too great for Ben, he lifts his hand from Callum’s hip to run it over his face.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Morning,” he murmurs with this nervousness no amount of time with Callum could ever dissipate. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Y’okay?” Callum sniffs, nuzzling his face closer into the palm of Ben’s hand. Ben lets out a shuddered breath as Callum’s fingers start to trace the skin of his back, wiggling them just under his shirt.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah,” he exhales. Callum leans down to press a soft kiss to his lips, holding him there for so long, just breathing. “Last night was-”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah, it was,” Callum agrees, not needing Ben to say the words to know. “Special, weren’t it?” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Always is.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I had this dream last night,” Callum starts, eyes lighting up as if he’s just discovered the eighth wonder of the world. “It got me thinking, we should run away.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ben blinks at him. “Run away?</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah, me and you,” Callum whispers between them, mischief-tongue and feline eyes, slits when he smiles close-lipped, chest fluttering with his admission. “When we’re done with college, of course.”  </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ben just stares, swallows thickly at the shadows Callum’s hands make on his skin. “How?” he says. “Where?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Next year,” Callum says, leaning closer, whispering as if Ben’s Mum is hiding out in the hall, like the door is cracked, eyes watching on, and nobody else in the world can know. To be trusted this much has Ben’s heart thumping. “There’s nothing here, nothing anywhere, for me,</span>
  <em>
    <span> but you</span>
  </em>
  <span>. I can think of better places we could be together, can’t you?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It sounds so fantastic. Ben can’t help but be awed, can’t help but want to grasp onto whatever magic Callum has managed to capture, but then the breeze blows somewhere deep in his chest, icy and sharp, and his eyes go hot.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What about your family?” he says weakly. “Stuart?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Callum shrugs and reaches for a loose thread by Ben’s knee. The brush of his knuckles is intoxicating. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Nobody would miss me,” he says quietly. Their faces are close. “I’ve never stayed in one place long enough for that.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ben stays silent, he wants Callum to continue. He wants him to open his chest up and pour every single time that’s left him feeling like he’s not enough, over the sheets in deep reds and blues. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Instead, Callum’s mouth lifts, a tiny quirk as he pulls at the thread. “You ain’t ever thought about running away?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>A hundred times. A thousand times. Too many times.</span>
  </em>
  <span> How easy it would be to catch the train into town and </span>
  <em>
    <span>accidentally</span>
  </em>
  <span> miss his stop, to keep going and going to the end of the train-line and get off and go further, taxis and buses and planes until he reached the edge of the world, wherever that is; and what’s stopped him? </span>
  <em>
    <span>Guilt? Fear? </span>
  </em>
  <span>Certainly not love and acceptance. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>But then, maybe it is. Maybe love and acceptance are all he’s ever needed. And at the thought of disappearing love comes running. It comes running in the shape of Jay, his kind eyes and even kinder heart. It comes running in the shape of his parents, in the way they abandoned him, in all the ways he could never abandon them. It comes in the shape of Callum, Callum with all this love and acceptance to give, it makes Ben forget running away in even an option.  </span>
</p>
<p><span>“I have,” Ben admits, meek, that slow swirling starting low in his belly. His Mum is just down the hall, fast asleep, and he’s in here thinking </span><em><span>what if he and Callum took off in the night,</span></em> <em><span>if they linked their fingers and disappeared?</span></em></p>
<p>
  <span>Callum’s hand cups Ben’s jaw.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“One day,” he says, their noses close, Ben frozen as he registers the warmth in Callum’s palm, the place he can feel his pulse thudding. Between the sheets, Callum’s free hand finds Ben’s pinky, links them together gently. Another inch closer and their lips brush, dry, summer-cracked, wet inside like honey. “One day, it’ll just be me and you against the world.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Now wouldn’t that be perfect?</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>:::</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The heat lingers over the remainder of the weekend, and Ben tries to read it as anything but an omen. Instead, he thinks of it as himself and Callum, burning bright and beautiful, that the feeling in his chest when he looks at Callum, when they kiss, when they lay together. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>For so long now, Ben has been almost waiting for something to happen, for someone to come along and steal his sun, moon and</span>
  <em>
    <span> stars</span>
  </em>
  <span> all at once, or for George to lash out at him suddenly, subtly, terribly. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Thankfully, it doesn’t come. Callum stays. George mellows. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>In fact, George seems somehow, oddly, more friendly than ever. He starts showing genuine interest in Ben’s life once again, and tags along with him and Jay when they make plans. It takes Ben back to a different time, before Callum. When it was the three of them, always, and Ben buried everything deep into the ground. It wasn’t simpler, no, nor better, </span>
  <em>
    <span>just okay.</span>
  </em>
  <span> It was okay, and maybe that’s all Ben thought he ever deserved. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He doesn’t want things to be just okay again, not know he knows how it feels to be brilliant, but he lets it be, and he spends the extra time with George, because Jay seems excited about it, about the fact that they’re all hanging out again without the tension on the surface, without the awkwardness that was there before.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Somehow, Ben finds himself enjoying being out on the pitch a little more. He actually gets passed the ball, isn’t aimed at during drills or tripped and pushed roughly into the ground. The warm weather stays, and it does him some good, he thinks, to sweat everything out in a good way, in his own time.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>After the match, another win, Ben bundles the last ball into the bag and pulls the drawstring tight, wiping his brow. Both of his knees are thick with dirt and grass stains from where he’d skidded along the ground after a particularly clever challenge.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Took some good shots today, Mitchell,” one of the lads says unexpectedly, sending him a small smile.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ben blinks in surprise. “Oh. Cheers, mate.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“No worries,” the lad shrugs as they collect their things for the shower without another word.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ben scrubs at his legs until they’re red-raw, the grass clinging to him and refusing to wash away. Once he’s clean, hair still dripping, he buttons his shirt and pulls on his jeans.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Reckon George needs to ease up in defence,” another lad, Danny, says when Ben rounds the corner to his locker. Ben almost flinches. “Don’t you think?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Well, he’s always been like that,” Ben shrugs and opens his locker. “George is George.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ben chuckles quietly. “Yeah, that’s true. Got a mean tackle on him, ain’t he?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ben has no idea why Danny is even talking to him, but focuses on folding his shirt and shorts, rearranging them in his bag.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh, trust me, I know,” Ben laughs. “Taken me down a fair few times.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Mm, me too,” Danny grins. “Ruthless.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ben nods. He towels at his hair once more, then folds it into his bag. The rest of the boys come in then, and Danny turns back to his own locker to start filling his bag. Ben looks at him for a moment before he turns away, patting his hair down on his forehead.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>After a minute or two, it hits Ben how weirdly quiet it is. He can feel the presence of the rest of the team, but they’re all completely silent. Normally they’re all shouting and joking back and forth, voices echoing.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ben looks over his shoulder slowly, jacket in his hands.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>They’re all standing in a little huddle in front of the opposite row of lockers, watching him with small smiles. George stands front and centre, arms crossed over his chest, Danny now smirking beside him.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ben doesn’t say anything, doesn’t move or breathe, because deep down, he can feel the ice that’s slowly seeping into his veins. Suddenly, the room feels very cold, frigid and void of any air.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“In a hurry, are we?” George asks, voice low and dripping, grin lopsided. Ben inhales sharply and shoves his jacket into his bag, zipping it shut hastily.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Looks like he is,” one of them says with a laugh.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Ain’t got yourself a hot date or summat, have you?” Danny says softly, all cooing and teasing.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ben slings his bag over his shoulder slowly, swallows thickly.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I think we all know where he’s off to,” George’s grin is malicious and thick, eyes like fire as they bore into Ben’s. The whole team let out quiet chuckles, moving closer. “Or rather, </span>
  <em>
    <span>who he’s off to.</span>
  </em>
  <span>”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ben backs up, until he collides with the locker door. His heart is in this throat, his pulse beating painfully against his head. He drops his bag onto the ground and makes a break for the door.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>There’s a hand around his wrist before he can make the three steps, tugging him back sharply.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He lets out a startled shout as he hits the floor, skin burning as he slides with the force of it. His eyes burn along with his skin, and he scrambles to sit up, to back away. But he just corners himself into the wall of lockers, trapped. George advances and grips the front of his shirt, hoisting him up roughly and slamming into the metal.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ben lets out a pained breath, bones rattling in his body, head ringing. George’s face is close, a threatening snarl.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You think you’re clever, don’t you?” George spits. He slams him backwards again. Ben fights back against his grip, but it’s no use. “Think you’re all secretive and sly.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Get the fuck off me,” Ben manages then, circling Georges’s wrists with his fingers tightly, trying to tug him off.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You ain’t fooling anyone,” George grits out. “You’re scum.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What, </span>
  <em>
    <span>and who, </span>
  </em>
  <span>I do in my own time ain’t none of your business,” Ben says, voice weak despite his best attempts. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh, it is,” George laughs, jeering and sickly. “It is when you’re playing on the same pitch as us.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Then, he tightens his hands in Ben’s shirt and swings him into the ground with a intent, Ben’s entire body jolting. He feels his head hit the concrete with a terrifying thump. It leaves him disoriented, all blood rushing there. He barely has time to lift his arm before the first boot collides with his stomach, and the second with his face.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It knocks the breath out of him. All he can do it curl into himself as his body is rattled. Pain blooms everywhere, in his back and in his ribs, his legs and his arms and his head. He cries for them to stop, to let him go, </span>
  <em>
    <span>pleads</span>
  </em>
  <span>, but they don’t.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“George, please,”  gasps out, vision blurry. “George.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You’re disgusting,” he spits.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Now you listen to me,” George grabs his chin in his hands painfully, so harsh that it’ll bruise. “I never want to see your face again. You ain’t welcome on this team, or in this school. Don’t even think about coming back.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“And if you do,” Danny grins. “We’ll be waiting.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>George laughs, a short, amused burst. “That goes for lover boy, too.” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>:::</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>In the safety of the woods,</span>
  <em>
    <span> their woods</span>
  </em>
  <span>, Ben hangs his head between his knees and lets out a soft sob, back jolting. Crying hurts but he couldn’t possibly stop, even if he tried. His tears leave muddled tracks through the grime and blood clinging to the scrapes on his cheeks. He still can’t open his left eye properly.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>I never want to see your face again.</span>
  </em>
  <span> Ben’s ribs rattle as he tries to breathe. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Don’t even think about coming back.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>All those insecurities that he’d pushed so deep in the dirt, that he’d stuck a stone over and watered so that grass grew thick, come scratching violently to the surface. Suddenly, he’s ten years old again and his step-mum is taking his childhood from under his feet. He’s thirteen years old again his Dad is kicking him to the curb, telling him he doesn’t deserve to carry the Mitchell name. He’s sixteen years old again and his Mum is dead one day, and alive the next, and he hates her, he hates her so much because he loves her, he loves her and he needs her. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He hears Callum before he sees him. It’s much later, the sun now dipping low behind him. The shadow of the pine tree is thick and long and covers Ben entirely, makes him shiver as he’s shrouded in darkness. On the horizon, dark clouds hover ominously in the distance, chasing the sun as it retracts from the sky.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Ben? You here?” Callum calls out. He sounds concerned and careful, they always meet here, every day, 18:00 on the dot. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ben doesn’t respond, just curls into a smaller ball and prays for him to go away, for the sudden gift of invisibility.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Ben?” He’s closer now. Ben can hear his footsteps. “Oh! You are here. For a second there I thought you’d for-"</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He cuts himself off abruptly as he rounds the tree, now looking down at Ben with wide eyes. Ben just breathes sharply through his nose and tucks his arms closer around his face, presses his head further between his knees.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Hey,” he breathes.” What’s-what’s going on?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>His voice is thick, panicking seeping out in waves. It breaks Ben’s heart, no matter how much he tries to block it out and ignore it. Unable to hide any longer, Ben lifts his head up to Callum hesitantly, grimacing at the pain in his spine.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Callum drops to his knees in front of him instantly, mouth agape and hands hovering in the air, unsure of what to do. His eyes grow wet as they flicker over Ben’s face, over the blood on his shirt and the bruises on his arms.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh my God,” he breathes harshly, eyes turning wild with anger. “Who did this? Ben, who-who the fuck did this?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ben, unable to form a proper response, just crumbles and breaks down. Callum hushes him, hands still suspended just in front of Ben’s face, as if he’s unsure if he should touch. He settles one of his hands where his neck meets his shoulder, stroking his thumb below his chin.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Does it hurts?” Callum tries to coax him, but his words are shaky and panicked too. “Tell me where it hurts, Ben.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Everywhere,” Ben manages to choke out. “It hurts everywhere.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Ben, look at me,” Callum says urgently, squeezing his fingers. </span>
  <em>
    <span>“Ben.</span>
  </em>
  <span> You need to breathe. I know it hurts but you have to breathe.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ben shakes his head furiously and tries to pull away. It’s too much, everything is just too much.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Ben, please,” Callum whispers. His tears fall like pearls, cool against their clasped hands. “I need you to breathe. It won’t be so bad if you breathe. In and out, slow and deep, okay?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Callum ducks his head down so he can meet Ben’s averted eyes, breathing audibly to try and get Ben to follow. He does, slowly, shudders still wracking through him. Callum’s thumbs brush against the back of his hands constantly and hushes him when he whimpers, when his ribs catch fire.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Callum’s long fingers brush against the collar of his shirt, catching a bruise there. “Can I look?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ben nods numbly and drops his arms. Callum is careful as he undoes the buttons of his shirt. Ben tries to settle the sludge in his stomach when his fingers slip against the blood, when the tips of them stain red.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh, God, Callum inhales sharply through his nose as he draws Ben’s shirt away from his chest.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I tried to get away-”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“No, don’t you dare apologise,” Callum hisses. “Don’t you dare make up any excuse for anyone. You shouldn’t have had to try and get away.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Callum,” Ben says tiredly, but he doesn’t even know what he wants to say. His head lolls forward, eyes shutting as exhaustion grips him, as hot flames lick at his ribs. “George, it was George. All of them. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“We’ve gotta get you home,” Callum murmurs. “You need ice and you need those cuts cleaned. And you need to lie down.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ben pulls away and shakes his head, panicked.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Ben, please,” Callum whispers desperately. Ben’s eyes well up before he can stop them.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I can’t,” he chokes out. “I don’t want anyone to see. ‘Specially not my Mum.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“She won’t,” Callum reassures him softly, trying to calm him with gentle strokes of his thumbs. “I’ll make sure of that, we just need to get you home.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>They sit there for what feels like forever, silent save for Ben’s rattling breath and his whimpered crying. Callum just keeps their hands clasped, just breaths and presses his mouth together to stop himself from crying, face pale. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Only when the last of the dying sun dips below the hills and the town goes dark and cold does Ben lift his head and hold his palms up.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Callum stands slowly, knees clicking as he does so from being knelt in the dirt for so long. He helps Ben to his feet carefully, keeps his hands firm and steady against him so he doesn’t fall. Ben lets out a tiny whimper as they start downwards, hobbling and leaning heaving on Callum for support. They walk step by step, so slow and cautious.</span>
  <em>
    <span> Everything aches.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It takes forever to get to the house. Callum moves cautious and tentative, checks up and down the streets for cars and manoeuvres them through the few streets to Ben’s house. Clouds have congregated in a dark mass tonight, taking the light from the moon away. Without its silver reflection, they walk in the artificial murky yellows of the streetlamps, stinging their eyes and hearts too. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He’s entirely boneless by the time they make it up the driveway, and he thanks a God he doesn’t believe in that his Mum’s car isn’t taking up it’s usual spot. Callum has to half carry him over the doorway, and lowers him into one of the squeaky kitchen chairs, so tentative and slow. “Do you have, um, any bandages or-. Or anything?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ben dips his head, chest feeling like it’s about to collapse. “Top right shelf.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>And then there's the sound of running water, cupboards opening and closing and clicking filling Ben’s ears. Something unsettling is crawling through the cracks in his ribs and seeping into his lungs and his heart, turning things slow and awful, like he’s wading through the thickest mud just by blinking, just by breathing.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Callum’s cold fingertips on his chin startle him. He flinches at the touch, shying away.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Let me see, Ben,” Callum whispers. Ben finally meets his eye. He’s backlit by the glow of the kitchen lights, eyes hazy and clouded over. The light catches on the stubble blondes at the edges of his hair, turns it gold-tipped and soft. Ben’s eyes water again so he closes them, lets  Callum tilt his chin up delicately and shuffle closer.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It’s so intensely silent as Callum brushes the wet cloth against his face. Ben winces at even the softest of touches, lets tiny sounds slips at the harder ones. He can hear Callum breathing, focused and calm as if he’s done this too many times before. When he brushes over the skin under Ben’s swollen eye, Ben pulls away involuntarily, neck twitching as pain shoots down his entire face.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Sorry,” Callum says thickly. “They won’t get away with this.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ben blinks at him tiredly. “Yes, they will.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Callum opens his mouth again, but closes it twice as quickly. Ben just sighs, clenches his teeth against the icy air that rushes through his lungs.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I want you to go now,” he whispers, staring resolutely at the table.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Callum visibly twitches, reaching for him. “Ben-“</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Please,” Ben interrupts. He tilts his head away, face crumpling. “Please, Callum.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He knows Callum starts to cry then, even though he isn’t looking at him. Can hear the shaking in his chest, the quick breaths that he tries to smother.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Ben, I can’t just-.” He lets out an awful, bitter laugh, caught wet in his throat. “I ain’t leaving you like this. </span>
  <em>
    <span>I can’t.”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yes, you can,” Ben swallows around the lump in his throat. “I need to be alone right now. I can’t-can’t handle this.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>His chest starts to tighten, and when Callum moves closer, he shies away, entire face screwed up miserably.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I love you,” Callum cries. “Ben, I love you so much and I can’t leave you here like this. I can’t walk out that door knowing that you’re here by yourself.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“If you love me,” Ben sniffles, and when he wipes at his nose, it hurts, “you’ll let me be alone right now. If you really love, you’ll know that’s what I need.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Callum falls to his knees on the tiles, rests his head against Ben’s thigh with shaking shoulders. “I love you. I fucking-. God.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Cal,” Ben whispers, strained. “</span>
  <em>
    <span>Please.</span>
  </em>
  <span>”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Okay, <em>Okay</em>, I’ll go,” Callum says as he lifts his head, eyes streaming. “Just-just promise you ain’t gonna run yet. Just promise me that if you need to go, anywhere, you’ll take me with you.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah,” Ben says, because that’s all he can say. He nods, because it’s all he can do. “Promise.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Callum takes in a deep, choked breath, but it does little to calm him. He’s shaking as he stands, as he bends down to press a soft kiss to Ben’s forehead, as his tears fall on the bandages that wrap Ben’s bruised skin. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Can I come back tomorrow?” Callum whispers against his hair. Ben lets his eyes slip closed, nodding.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Callum presses one last kiss to the skin just by his hairline. Then, he backs away slowly, wipes his hands over his face so the skin is pulled tight. “Call me, if you need anything. I’ll be here in minutes.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>And then, door slams shut behind him, and all is silent again.</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>dingletradegy on tumblr/twitter x</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. ease my mind</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>
  <i>“You get to exhale now, Ben. You get to be yourself, find your person, if you’re ready.”</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>“Callum,” he exhales on a cry. “I’ve already found him.”</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>“He's special, is he?”</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>“I love him,” Ben admits, face twisting at the ache in his chest. “I love him so much, Mum. All I want is to be allowed to love him.”</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>“Then love him Ben,” Kathy says softly. “Love him with everything you have.” <i></i></i>
</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>hello everyone!!! so i am back after my 9 day "i am never writing ever again" breakdown - i'm still nervous about posting this, still scared of possible nasty comments but mostly overwhelmed with love and appreciation for all the nice, lovely comments!!! </p>
<p>the first half of this chapter is very ben heavy, but its all important stuff! i'm wrapping this lil fic up now, so i think there will only be one more chapter after this. i am sad about it coming to an end, and i could write another 100k of this universe but i REALLY need to start focusing on my big bang! </p>
<p> </p>
<p>annnnyway - i hope you enjoy &lt;33</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>When Kathy’s car pulls up in front of the house, Ben hasn’t even noticed that the sun has risen.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He doesn’t move, doesn’t run, doesn’t even attempt to. He stays where here is, staring into the dull, shoulders hunched. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Kathy doesn’t even notice him when she first comes inside. Her hair is falling out of its bobble, wrangled and falling over her forehead. Her stance stiff as she shuffles into the kitchen and reaches for the coffee pot. Ben feels terrible all over again, terrible because his Mum works all hours, never catching a break - </span>
  <em>
    <span>for him</span>
  </em>
  <span> - and here he is, about to add to the pressure on her shoulders. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>When she turns, steaming mug in her hands, she startles at the sight of Ben and almost drops it. His stomach curls.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Suddenly, his mum has gone very pale, eyes shocked and wide as she stands frozen.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Then, she comes over in a rush, coffee forgotten on the counter.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Ben, love-. What's happened?” Kathy gasps out incredulously, perching in front of him with her mouth agape. Her eyes go from being wide with worry, to filling with furiousness slowly. <em>“I can’t believe this. I’m calling the college!”</em></span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ben still doesn’t say anything, just closes his eyes against the harsh morning light slanting through the windows, cowers against her worried stare. She looks close to tears, eyes roaming over his bruises and cuts and scrapes, a hand slowly coming up to cover her mouth.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>There’s this awful sinking weight tugging on Ben’s heart, pulling down into his stomach and tearing him apart. It sits heavy and firm and won’t leave him. Crumbling in on himself slightly, Ben finally meets her eye. When he does, she shifts uncomfortably, staring back.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Do you love me?” he whispers, so soft and broken. His Mum crumples almost immediately, guilt washing over her entire face.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“<em>Of course I do,</em>” she reaches for his hand, but he curls it into a fist and swallows thickly. “Darling, you know I do. More than anything.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ben shakes his head, mouth twisting as his eyes start to water again. “No matter what?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Kathy is silent for a long time, just watching him as her face slowly softens, as her shoulders sink low and her eyes grow wet. “Ben, what’s this about?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He wants to answer her. More than anything. But when he opens his mouth, all that comes out is a hacking sob.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Ben, breathe,” Kathy whispers, trying to soothe him. He can’t stop crying, can’t stop letting every single thing wash over him like a deadly wave, spinning him and crushing him and grinding him down to nothing “It’s alright, ssh, you’re alright.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m gay,” he blurts out between sobs. “Mum, I’m gay. That’s why they did this. And I’m sorry, I’m so sorr-"</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Kathy blinks slowly at him, confusion rolling over her features, but it only takes her a second to open up her arms, as if she just knows that it’s what he needs, and then Ben is collapsing towards her, toppling into soft, familiar arms. She kisses his forehead fiercely, over and over when he starts to cry, quiet and exhausted because he’s already cried all the heavy tears today.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh, sweetheart,” she whispers against his temple. “Hey, I love you. I love you so much.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“‘M sorry I didn’t tell you.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“It’s alright,” Kathy says. “That doesn’t matter. I’m so proud of you, Ben. <em>So proud</em>.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You’re not mad?” he whispers, almost afraid of the words. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“<em>Oh, love,</em> not at all,” Kathy murmurs. She brushes a wisp of hair off his forehead. “It’s a lot for me to take in, but I ain't mad. How could I be? You’re my son, my baby, and I’m always here for you, okay?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He nods with a loud sniffle, slowly turning his face into her neck to hide there. Relief floods through him, fingers twitching with his chest.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I didn’t want this. You know, I never wanted to be gay,” Ben says, and now he’s opened his heart, he can’t seem to stop. “I tried so hard to change that part of me, Mum. I just wanted to be </span>
  <em>
    <span>normal.</span>
  </em>
  <span>”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Hey, you’re a Mitchell, Mitchell’s don’t do normal,” Kathy jokes lightly. “You are still you, Ben. You’re still the same brilliant, grumpy son, who is a pain in the arse half of the time. Who’s kept me going through everything the world has thrown at us. Who has a heart bigger than anyone I’ve ever known.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ben nods, and then he’s crying again, his palms pressed lightly against his eyes to try and make it stop. He lets out an absurd puff of laughter at himself, wet and a little choked, and shakes his head, blinking up at the ceiling.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You can let go of it all now,” Kathy says, and her chest shakes a little, her voice gone thin. “I never want you to feel like you have to hold anything in again.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ben just nods. He can’t find the words.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You get to exhale now, Ben. You get to be yourself, find your person, if you’re ready.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“Callum,” </span>
  </em>
  <span>he exhales on a cry. “I’ve already found him.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Callum's special, is he?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I love him,” Ben admits, face twisting at the ache in his chest. “I love him so much. All I want is to be allowed to love him.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Then love him Ben,” Kathy says softly. “Love him with everything you have.” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>His mum helped him up to bed, after cleaning up his cuts, nursing his bruises and all but forcing some breakfast down him. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He’s got bruised ribs from front to back, apparently, but he refused point-blank to go to the hospital. Eventually, his Mum let it go, and once she was happy to leave him, she made her way downstairs and is now letting him have the space only his Mum could understand he needs.  </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Fatigue settles right down into his bones then, as he lies propped up in bed. It hurts to close his eyes and it hurts to keep them open, so he settles for just staring blearily, half-lidded, out his window at the sky.</span>
  <em>
    <span> It’s a beautiful day</span>
  </em>
  <span>.*</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He just can picture him and Callum riding to school, stopping at the hilltop to appreciate the mornings gorgeous sunrise. But he can’t go back to school. He doesn’t want to go back to school.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>As much as he tries, he can’t stop his mind from wandering. With nothing to occupy him except the thudding ache in his cheeks, his imagination warps visions of fierce whispers and narrowed eyes, of disgusted grimaces and leering. Almost unconsciously he curls in on himself in his own bed, thick-hot panic circling his throat and pressing its open palms over his ribs.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Of course, he can’t stop his mind from wandering to Callum, either.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Guilt flushes over him for turning him away last night. He’s stuck in this awful state of wanting to see him, be surrounded by his comforting warmth, and retreating into his own space, secluded and away from the rest of the world. He wants nothing more than Callum’s lips against his neck, whispering soft assurances and making him warm. But he also wants nothing more than to pull his sheets over his face and hide.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It seems at some point the heavy dose of painkillers he’d taken kick in, because when he opens his eyes after a slow blink, late-noon darkness has settled over him. The curtains have been drawn so that only thin strips of orange light slip through, walls an odd translucent yellow and soft glow. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh, you’re awake.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Jay. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ben blinks down at him and feels all colour drain from his face, air charged and unsettling around them. Of all people, he’d expected Callum. Peering down at Jay, he can feel fear crawling up the back of his spine.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Jay is just staring at him with his lips bitten into his mouth, eyes running over the bruises on his face.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What are you doing here?” Ben questions, throat croaky and odd from sleep. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I heard about what happened,” he explains as he sits on the edge of Ben’s bed gingerly. “I wanted to make sure you were okay.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh,” Ben whispers. He pulls the sheet up over his shoulders. “Cheers.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Jay glances over at him. Lip still bitten between his teeth, cheeks squished awkwardly. “How long have you known?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ben breaks his eyes away. “A long time.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Why didn’t you tell me?” Jay asks, hurt.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ben lets out a scoff, eyebrows raising into his hairline. “Well, Jay. It </span>
  <em>
    <span>might</span>
  </em>
  <span> have something to do with the blatant homophobia I’ve experienced so far.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Understandable,” Jay sympathises. “But Ben, you know I’d never—“</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I don’t know Jay, that’s the problem.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Then I’m sorry,” Jay continues. “Sorry I wasn’t there for you. Sorry that you thought you couldn’t trust me, that you couldn’t rely on me for help. I knew there was something wrong, but I weren’t ever able to figure it out. I thought you didn’t want to be my friend anymore because…I don’t know, I wasn’t as cool as Callum, or something.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ben sighs tiredly. “Are you here to apologise or to make me feel guilty?”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“What? </span>
  <em>
    <span>No</span>
  </em>
  <span>,” Jay splutters. “That’s ain’t what I’m trying to do at all.”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“It sounds like you are,” Ben says. “It sounds like you’re blaming me for what happened. It sounds like it’s my fault for not saying anything.”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Ben, I ain’t—,” Jay rubs his hands over his face vigorously, groaning. “I ain’t explaining myself right. Bro, I love you, you’re my best mate. Nothing will ever change that. I don’t care about—about who you are. As long as you’re still Ben.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“No?” Ben raises an eyebrow. Jay shakes his head, looking to Ben earnestly.</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“No,” he says. “You’re still you. It don’t change anything between us. It don’t change you, and if it does, it’s only for the better.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ben swallows again, unable to stop his chest from shaking and his eyes from growing wet.</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“And Callum is good for you,” Jay says softly, expression downcast. “I’m glad he’s here. I’m glad you found someone to get you away from all this.”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“So am I,” Ben replies, just as soft.</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Do you love him?” Jay asks.</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“More than anything,” Ben admits.</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“What are you going to do now?” Jay says, tilting his head to meet Ben’s gaze. He looks afraid, almost, bottom lip bit into his mouth.</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>It’s a question Ben doesn’t know how to answer. He barely even knows where to start. “I don’t know. I don’t think I can fix this.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“There’s nothing to fix,” Jay says firmly. He rests his hands on Ben’s shin. “You don’t need to fix anything. But—um, everyone sort of knows.”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Was Callum at college today?” Ben asks carefully, heart beating wilfully in his chest. </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>Jay shakes his head. “I didn’t see him.”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Good,” Ben closes his eyes and takes in a deep, painful breath. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“If you want, I can bring you the work we do in class so you don’t get behind,” Jay teases. “I know how much you love physics.”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“God, no,” Ben jokes gently. Jay smiles cautiously, a tiny quirk of his lips. “It’s alright. I’ll just—I’ll deal with it.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>They fall into a pitter-patter of soft laughter then, the air around them mellowing. Ben lets himself breathe again, lets himself be assured that Jay isn’t trying to cross him, isn’t trying to hurt him and manipulate him. Slowly, Jay shuffles closer and holds out his arms. Ben leans into him gently, looping his arms around his waist. Jay pats his back delicately, warm and firm against Ben’s chest.</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“I love you, mate.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah, love you too. But you can leave now,” Ben drawls, flopping back onto his pillows. It makes him wince a little as his back jolts.</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Charming. Call if you need anything, okay?” Jay says, tone serious now. “I’ll come see you every day.” </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“I will,” Ben affirms. Jay stands reluctantly, eyes flicking over Ben’s broken face one last time as he backs away.</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“See ya later,” Jay wiggles his fingers in a tiny wave. “And sort things with Callum!”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
    <br/>
  </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Once Jay has left, he falls into a restless sleep, fatigue and painkillers dragging him somewhere dark.</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>The light in his room is soft when his eyes open. Only the blush of his bedside lamp illuminating everything, leaving murky shadows splaying themselves on the walls and over his sheets. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ben realises then, once he’s blinked his way out of his sleep, that he can hear a commotion of voices floating up from downstairs. There’s a rattling sound, a hushed concerned voice, his Mum, then the creak of the stairs. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ben knows exactly who it is.</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>He pretends to be asleep when Callum comes in. He doesn’t really know why. Maybe it’s the remnants of sleep actually dragging him back under, or he’s just had enough emotion to handle for one day. His eyes feel as heavy as his chest. In the darkness of his head, the glow from the lamp dusts the edges.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>There’s the soft creak of his door being opened slowly. It should be weird that Ben knows it’s Callum just by his presence, just by the way he breathes. But it’s comforting. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Cal,” Ben croaks, almost inaudible. Callum's head lifts and he looks to him slowly. He looks entirely exhausted, under eyes hollowed and dark, hair a mess on his head, curled in on himself.</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>Callum crawls towards him, patterns of shadow shifting on his face as he moves. All his features are blurred, turning him round and soft at the edges. Ben sags at the sight of him, swallowing.</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>Callum rests his head on the bed beside Ben, knelt in front of him. He takes his hand, kisses over it delicately, just breathes in his warmth. Ben tries to breathe but it hurts to look at him, hurts to see how gentle he is, how worried his eyes are when they so often shine. After a moment, Ben pulls his hand from Callum’s and slides it into his hair, scratching at his scalp. Callum slumps forward, cheek mushed against the mattress as he presses his face into Ben’s hip, eyes slipping closed.</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>It calms them both. Ben rests his head back on his pillows and just feels Callum’s hair beneath his fingers, watches his chest rise and fall evenly as they settle into their delicate bubble, as warmth wraps them up and nestles close.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m sorry,” Ben whispers.</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>Callum shakes his head. When he speaks, his lips move against the soft sheets in a gentle murmur. “</span>
  <em>
    <span>Don’t</span>
  </em>
  <span>. I understand that you needed time.”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“I love you,” Ben says. Callum opens his eyes and tilts his head up. Ben shifts his hand and pushes Callum’s hair off his forehead.</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“I love you,” Callum echos.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Jay came round earlier,” Ben says, unsure of why that slips out. Callum blinks in surprise, slow and hazy.</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Everything okay?”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Yeah, he was—well, he was amazing,” Ben says. “Told me he loved me no matter what. He also said you didn’t go to college today.”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>Callum’s face clouds over, troubled. “I would have come here earlier, but I—I didn’t want anyone to see me. I thought that George and that might be out.”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Hey, we’re safe here,” Ben says. He takes in a slow breath. “Mum knows. About me, us.”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>Callum sits up, watching him cautiously. “Yeah?”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Yeah,” Be. says gently. “Cal, she—she’s alright with it. She accepts me.”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Oh, Ben,” Callum sighs out, kisses his wrist and pushes into his skin. “That’s amazing.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“If things—” Ben bites his lip, trying to find the most delicate way around this. “If things get too much at yours, please just come here. Mum will let you stay.”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>Callum flicks his eyes down and swallows, shoulders curling in a little as he sits back on his haunches. Ben rubs his thumb over his cheek, pushes his fingers into his hair.</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Okay,” Callum says eventually, eyes wet. Ben feels it right in the centre of his chest when their eyes meet, a dark blue weight that’s slowly working its way into his blood. “Thank you.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Callum rests his head back on the bed and brushes his thumb gently against Ben’s hip through the sheets. Ben lets his eyes slip closed, warmth filling his heart. He scratches at Callum’s scalp lightly, takes comfort in the familiar weight of his jaw, and falls asleep.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Over the next week, Callum stays with Ben more often than not, only leaving in sporadic bursts for an hour or two. He doesn’t go back to college, instead, he spends his time beside Ben, gentle and caring and everything Ben needs him to be.</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>They just rest in bed together, barely touching because of Be’s sensitive bones. Callum lies on his stomach and leans on his elbows while he reads softly to him, traces patterns on his palms and tells stories of his own. Tiny moments from his past, some that make Ben giggle, others that make his heart sink, old faces and late nights.</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>Sometimes he plays his guitar for Ben quietly, leant against the windowsill with his long legs outstretched so that the sun hits him from behind and makes him </span>
  <em>
    <span>glow</span>
  </em>
  <span>. In those times, Ben runs his eyes over his face like a mantra, back and forth over every tiny detail.</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>On one of the sticky-warm nights, when the sun is reluctant to settle and the sky is filled with bursts of oranges ribbon and blushes of pinks, Callum plays softer than usual, top lip bitten into his mouth as he strums with a loose wrist. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I like this one,” Ben murmurs. “What is it?”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>Callum’s fingers freeze immediately, a tiny scraping sound echoing through the room as his fingers slip over the strings in their halt.</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Um—” he looks almost sheepish as he flicks his eyes over. “Just—just something I wrote.”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Yeah?” Ben says, a tiny smile quirking up.</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Yeah,” Callum says, Ben meets him with a knowing smirk. “Alright, alright. It's about you.”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Oh,” Ben flushes. Warmth bubbles in his stomach. “Will you play it for me?”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>At the request, Callum’s entire face turns pink. He brushes a stray piece of hair off his forehead shaky fingers. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Alright,” Callum finally whispers. “I, um—it’s not very good, really.”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Sh,” Ben hushes him gently and gives him a reassuring smile. “I’m sure it’s great, Cal. I’ve waited months to hear you gushing over me in a song.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Idiot,” Callum mumbles fondly and takes in a deep breath in, settling his fingers over the frets nervously. The chords are strummed gently, a simple, soft melody that makes Ben’s chest tighten. It feels so delicate, sounds the way the moon looks, the way the stars hum.</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“</span>
  <em>
    <span>You came out of nowhere</span>
  </em>
  <span>,” Callum starts softly, voice a gentle rasp. Ben feels his skin go taut with goosebumps, feels every nerve in his body focus on Callum. “</span>
  <em>
    <span>And cut through all the noise.</span>
  </em>
  <span>”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <em>
    <span>“I make sense of the madness,</span>
  </em>
  <span>” Callum continues, then, a whisper-soft he continues, “</span>
  <em>
    <span>when I listen to your voice.</span>
  </em>
  <span>”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>Ben smiles through the mist gathering in his eyes, thinks back to the rain and the thunder and that first long-awaited press of lips, the hesitance that turned desperate, the strength of feeling over something so deep. </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“</span>
  <em>
    <span>There are pieces I usually hide, but when you collect me with your steady hand, with a language that I understand, I feel put back together inside</span>
  </em>
  <span>,” Callum sings to him, eyes earnest and purposed, smiling around the words. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“Only you can ease my mind.”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>When it comes to an end, the last chord ringing out between them, the soft light has turned pale blue, casting their bodies in shadows of hearts and stars. Callum scratches at his cheek nervously as he looks to Ben, lips bitten red-raw.</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Cal,” Ben starts on a thick breath, “that was so beautiful, babe.”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“It’s nothing,” Callum dismisses. He fiddles with his hair again.</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span><em>“Your nothing is my everything,”</em> Ben says. “You’re so amazing, Callum.”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Thank you,” Callum whispers self-consciously. “It’s kind of hard to, like, explain how I feel about you with just words.”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Well if you ain’t already aware, it made me a little emotional,” Ben sniffs. Callum giggles softly, his fingers curling over the neck of his guitar. “You got any more for me?”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>Callum smiles, gives a little nod and takes a breath, seeming more relaxed now. “Too many to count.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>There’s a moment then, suspended, where they’re just staring at each other with blinding smiles. Ben’s entire face hurts but he can’t stop it, can’t push it down. </span>
  <em>
    <span>He doesn’t want to.</span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span>
      <br/>
    </span>
  </em>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“I love you,” Ben says, grinning. “God, I love you.”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“I love you too,” Callum laughs. He wipes at his eyes. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to make us cry, shit.”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“How could I not?” Ben says, biting down on his lip to try and control himself. “You make me feel so many good things. You make me feel like I’m glowing from the inside out.” </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“You are, that’s why,” Callum says, softer. “You always are. You just don’t realise it.”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Come here,” Ben holds his hands out. “Come here right now.”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>Callum lowers his guitar to the floor softly and shuffles close, crawls over Ben so he’s got his knees and palms resting either side of his body. His hair hangs into Ben’s face when he looks down, smiling sweetly.</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Kiss me,” Be. murmurs.</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“’Kay,” Callum agrees, and leans down to press their lips together.</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>Ben sighs into his mouth. He’s missed it, missed the plushness and the gentle, wet of Callum’s mouth. He can feel Callum’s finger digging into the sheets softly, trying to stop himself from touching Ben’s bruised face.</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Callum?” Ben says, pulling back with a tiny exhale of breath. Callum’s eyes open slowly, hazy and content.</span>
  <span></span>
    <br/>
  
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Yeah?” he says, hopeful. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Let’s do it. Let’s run away together.” </span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. this world is gonna end (but until then, i'll give you everything)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>
  <i>“He, um—he said he wants to have a life with me."</i>
</p><p>
  <i>“Big words for a young man,” Kathy raises a gentle, teasing eyebrow.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>“I know, but I want that too, Mum,” Ben says. “I think he’s it. I think he’s my person.”</i>
</p><p>
  <i>“Then you go after him, love,” Kathy says, gentle with her smile. “You hold on and you don’t let go.”</i>
</p><p>
  <i>“I won’t,” Ben promises. He pulls his Mum into a warm hug, tucks his face into her neck. “I promise, I won’t ever let him go.”</i>
</p><p>(direct continuation of the previous chapter!)</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>hello everyone!!! sorry it took a while to get this one out - we're coming to the end of the STRANGEST term ever at work and with the summer holidays soon coming, things seem to be only getting more stressful lmao!!! annnyway, this is the last chapter - i'm not entirely happy with it, it feels like a lot of a let-down, but it's all i've got in me right now :( </p><p>i am, however, already thinking about doing a lil squeal of their time in manchester, and how they adapt - but only if people would like that?</p><p>title from hypersonic missiles - sam fender</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Cal,” Ben murmurs, careful and curious.</p><p>Callum goes quiet for a long time. There’s the soft rustling sound of fabric, his fingers playing with the bottom of Ben’s t-shirt, a few slow, measured breaths.</p><p>“I want to go back to Manchester, I want to be where I was happiest, where my Mum was. I want to study there, and I want you with me.” </p><p>Ben’s eyes flick wide open, sticky and hot. When he doesn’t respond instantly, Callum rolls onto his side and leans over him on his elbow, bottom lip bitten worriedly into his teeth, eyes searching his face frantically. Ben just tilts his head to the side and looks up at him, Callum’s eyes are a little wide, a little afraid, restless as they wait for Ben’s reaction.</p><p>“I…” he says uselessly.</p><p>“Please,” Callum says quietly. “I want to share it all with you.”</p><p>“Callum,” Ben cups his jaw in a slick palm, watches as Callum’s eyes flutter and he nuzzles into it. “I don’t know if I can. I still have a year left of college, and Ben, and…”</p><p>Callum looks down at him in disbelief. “I know. I’m just being ridiculous. I’d understand if you don’t want to, you know.”</p><p>“I do want to, I do. But-my mum,” Ben says quietly. He rubs his thumb over Callum’s cheekbone. “I don’t know if I can leave her.”</p><p>Callum nods in understanding, but he pushes his face into Ben’s hand, kisses his wrist. “I want a life with you. I want us to be free. Know how good it feels to be free.”</p><p>Ben almost chokes on the humid air, lungs constricting. </p><p>“How about you just with me for the summer?” Callum whispers, a little desperate. “You know I’ll follow you anywhere if you want to come straight back, you know I will.”</p><p>“Cal,” Ben bites his lip, head unsure, but heart set on only one destination. “Where would we stay? How would we afford it? How would we even get there?”</p><p>“Student accommodation, it wouldn’t be pretty, but it’d be ours,” Callum says earnestly. “And you don’t need to worry about the money, I’ve got some saved away. From my Mum. She always wanted me to share it with someone,<em> you’re that someone. </em>”</p><p>He’s almost speaking right into Ben’s mouth, now, warmth breaths fluttering over the sweat on his top lip. Everything is hazy and thick and Ben leans up to peck Callum’s lips, quick and nervous and with his heart beating rapidly in his chest.</p><p>“Alright,” he says softly. “Alright, let’s go.”</p><p>Callum’s jaw drops open, half shocked and half in a giant grin. <em>“Yeah? Really?”</em></p><p><em>“Really,”</em>  Ben confirms, let’s himself believe it. He laughs brightly when Callum tucks his face into his neck and giggles. Ben feels it right down to his core. </p><p>When Callum pulls away and drags his lips to Ben’s mouth, Ben finds they’re both smiling too much for their lips to slide together properly, opting for just laughing into each other’s mouths instead. </p><p>“It’s gonna be amazing,” Callum babbles, pushing Ben’s hair out of his eyes with frantic fingers. “Just me and you, the summer, and arguably the best city in the world.”</p><p>“It’s going to be everything,” Ben says, entire face is flushed pink as he let's himself dream it. There’s something bubbling in his stomach, an excited fizzling that makes his fingers shake. Relief floods through him, too, makes his cheeks ache and his shoulder relax with elation.</p><p>“God, I love you to bits,” Callum presses a hard kiss to his lips, pulls back with a grin. <em>“Love you so much.”</em></p><p>“Love you too,” Ben says, almost dazedly. Callum bumps their noses together, smiles against Ben’s cheek and presses a soft kiss there. “We're gonna have so much fun, ain't we?”</p><p>“We’re gonna fall in love all over again,” Callum says around a giggle.</p><p>“I can’t wait,” Ben whispers. Callum beams down at him and leans in close. “Just me and you.<em> Free </em>.” </p><p>As their lips glide together effortlessly, slick from the air and loose from the excitement, a tiny ball of hope uncurls in Ben’s chest, and pushes away at the pain, pushes away at the remnants of the shadows that are clinging on for dear life.</p><p>With another press of their lips, and another tender swipe of Callum’s tongue, Ben’s mind falls into a place that’s all sunshine and warmth. The only thing left on his mind is the trace of Callum’s fingers, of his lips.</p><p>He finds a little alcove of peace amongst it all.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Ben asks his Mum about Manchester on an early Saturday morning, when Callum is still asleep upstairs. They sit down for a cup of tea, soft light spilling through the windows and touching the lines around his Mum’s eyes as she watches him closely.</p><p>“Are you coming back?” She asks. She doesn’t sound too upset, more curious.</p><p>“I don’t know, mum,” Ben says honestly. “It’s probably just for the summer. But honestly, I don’t know.”</p><p>“He’s in it for the long haul, ain’t he?” Kathy says. She smiles at him over the rim of her mug.</p><p>“Yeah,” Ben says on a long breath. “He, um<span>—</span>he said he wants to have a life with me.”</p><p>“Big words for a young man,” Kathy raises a gentle, teasing eyebrow.</p><p>“I know, but I want that too, Mum,” Ben says. “I think he’s it.<em> I think he’s my person </em>.”</p><p>“Then you go after him, love,” Kathy says, gentle with her smile. “You hold on and you don’t let go.”</p><p>“I won’t,” Ben promises. He pulls his Mujm into a warm hug, tucks his face into her neck. “I promise, I won’t ever let him go.”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>They leave for Manchester on an early Sunday morning.</p><p>The sky is masked in shadows of purple and gold as the sun climbs over the hills, and Ben casts a long glance over the market tops as he carries a box of his clothes into Jay’s car. He feels reminiscent, his feet itching to both get as far away from here as possible, yet also to climb onto his bike and watch the light eclipse the shadows of the city one last time.</p><p>It seems a bit like he’s packing up his whole life, and it’s a strange thought, his possessions all narrowed down to just a few boxes, seventeen years taped up and stacked on top of each other like nothing. He isn’t taking everything, isn’t sure yet how long he’ll be down in Manchester, so he’s only packed his favourite records and clothes. Despite it all, when Jay slams the boot, it feels final.</p><p>
  <em> (He hopes it’s final.) </em>
</p><p>Kathy hugs him tight, cries into his shoulders and makes Ben promise to call every day, <em>over and over again.</em> She begs him to promise to tell her when he’s coming home - and if he’s not, to tell her where she can send the rest of his things down. Ben is grateful, so grateful for the life she’s given him, and he tells her so, sniffling into her work apron. </p><p>“I’m so proud of you,” she whispers to him fiercely. “This is your life, love. I want you to go through it the way you want to. More than anything, I want you to be happy, Ben.”</p><p>“I am,” Ben says. “I’m so happy, mum. The happiest I’ve ever been.”</p><p>“Good,” she sniffs harshly and wipes at her eyes. “Then I’ve done my job.”</p><p>“I love you,” Ben whispers, pulling her in for one last hug. She squeezes him tightly.</p><p>“I love you too, sweetheart.”</p><p>“Ben, we gotta go,” Jay calls softly. He’s leaning his arms on the side of his car, eyes smiling kindly at them.</p><p>Kathy wipes at her eyes again and smooths down her shirt, appearing to compose herself.</p><p>“I’ll see you after the summer,” Ben promises. "Yeah?"</p><p>“You better,” she says again, lips bitten into her mouth. “Have the time of your life, love.” </p><p>And with that, Ben opens the passenger door of Jay's car with a slow creak. The sun is breaking through the clouds now, the purples in the sky breaking into bronze rays over the stall tops.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Callum’s things are stacked at the foot of the car park when they arrive at Callum's apartment blocks. With the window rolled down, Ben can hear voices coming from the doorway. They’re loud, and he hears Callum’s, muffled and tense. He opens the car door before he can blink and hurries across the empty spaces.</p><p>“You just don’t understand!” Callum is yelling.</p><p>“Callum please, I’m your brother!” Stuart’s voice floats through the window. “You’re all I’ve got.”</p><p>“Shame you didn’t remember that when Dad kicked me out,” Callum snarls, and Ben’s so sure he’s never seen him like this before. <em>“Shame it took you three months to even bother to make sure I was still alive!”</em></p><p>Ben holds his breath and leans against the wall.</p><p>“I just wanted you to have a normal life,” Stuart says miserably. </p><p><em> “Normal,” </em> Callum huffs, with a laugh that’s short and lifeless. “That’s why I can’t stay, Stu. My life <em> is </em> normal. I <em> am </em> normal. It’s you, the memories of Dad, the horrible things you’ve both said to me, that ain’t normal. I don’t need to be fixed, I need to free.” </p><p>“Callum, <em>please-</em>”</p><p>“You don’t know what that does to a kid,” Callum says, almost hysterically. “Spending the majority of my teenage years hating myself. Thinking I was wrong, weak, small. But I ain’t, I’m strong. And I want to run with this feeling.”</p><p>It’s deathly silent, and Ben remains frozen, afraid to make a single sound.</p><p>“I’m going, Stuart, and you can’t stop me,” Callum says, quieter now. Bem strains to hear. “This is my life. And I’m going to spend it<em> my way</em>, with the boy that I<em> love</em>. I won’t change for anyone, hopefully one day you’ll understand why.”</p><p>Ben sucks in a soft breath. There’s the sound of a door slamming, and he moves to the front of the driveway just as Callum bursts out of the door. In that moment, all of Ben’s apprehensions fall away. The tug on his chest fades, and his stomach lifts.</p><p>He opens his arms wide, and Callum rushes to him with such force that they almost topple over.</p><p>Ben cradles his head and pushes his fingers into his hair as Callum tucks his face away, squeezes at Ben’s waist and breathes him in sharply. Ben holds him just as tight, whispers; <em> I love you. You’re okay. You’ve got me. I love you, o </em>ver and over into his ear. </p><p>“Let’s go,” Ben says against the warmth of Callum’s neck. His arms wrap around his waist tighter. “Let’s get you home.” </p><p>“I can’t wait to show you. I know it’s only Manchester, ain’t exactly Paris. But there’s so much, so much I want to share with you there.”</p><p>“I can’t wait to see it,” Ben whispers back.</p><p>Behind them, Jay honks the horn and leans out the side of the window, yelling obscenities at them with a giant grin on his face. They part slowly, Callu,’s smile as soft as the first time Ben ever laid eyes on him. He smudges a kiss to the underside of Callum’s jaw and pulls him towards the car, excitement bubbling inside him.</p><p>“Finally,<em> lovebirds!” </em></p><p>“Shut it, you,” Ben says, faking offence. </p><p>“Ready to run then, boys?” Jay asks. </p><p>“<em> Absolutely </em>!" Ben grins as he settles them into the car. "There’s something I want to do first, though.”</p><p>“What?” Callum asks.</p><p>“Just, <em>something.”</em></p><p>“Which is?” Jay questions, suspicion high in his voice.</p><p>“Running George’s life, obviously.” </p><p><em>“Obviously,”</em> Jay repeats, mocking. </p><p>“Now, I am in no way a supporter of violence. I consider myself a pacifist, actually. Which is why instead of breaking Georges’s nose in front of the whole school, I’m going to break something even more precious.”</p><p>“Okay…” Callum narrows his eyes, looking a little lost. </p><p>“So, detour to the school car park, please?” </p><p>Only minutes later, that’s exactly where Jay pulls the car to a halt. Right in front of George’s off-gold Volvo. Together, they cross the concrete from one car to the other, Jay with some handy paint cans in tow.</p><p>“Ready?” Jay says with a grin.</p><p>“Why do I feel like we’re going to get arrested for doing this?” Callum asks, and God, Ben loves him. </p><p>“Gotta go out with a bang, ain’t we?” Ben says. He slings an arm around both Jay’s and Callum’s shoulders, and pulls them into a close huddle. “We gotta be quick, though. Only ten minutes ‘til lunch.”</p><p>“You’re sure you want to do this?” Callum asks. “I don’t want you to regret this, you ain’t got anything to prove—” </p><p>“It’s just a shitty Volvo, Cal,” Ben says, not sure if he believes his own words. “I won’t regret it.” </p><p>Bem looks around cautiously once more before he sorts through the paint cans. When he finds white, he pulls it out slowly and looks at the hood.</p><p>“You should spray all the windows pink,” Callum says beside Ben. Shocking both Ben and Jay. “Add some rainbows, too.”</p><p>“Hm,” Ben clicks his fingers, not looking up as he starts to spray. “Make it proper gay.”</p><p>“I reckon this belongs in a gallery,” Jay says around a laugh, grin spread wide.</p><p>Ben rounds the car to look at his work. When he sees what Jay’s painted, he claps a hand over his mouth.</p><p>It’s the badge of Millwall Football Club, George’s most hated team, most hated anything, on the earth. The white Lion is painted on a deep blue background; unmistakable, and so, so brilliant. </p><p>“Shit, Jay,” Ben barks a startled laugh. “He's gonna go crazy.”</p><p>“Good,” Jay says in a heartbeat. </p><p>“I think I’m done,” Callum calls from the other side. He stands with wobbly legs, hands stained pink and white.</p><p>There’s these tiny little rainbows painted all over the window of the driver's seat. Thick and bright against the grimy windows, spaced out neatly. It looks like something from a child’s colouring book. And God, Ben loves Callum. </p><p>“He’s going to flip out,” Ben breathes.</p><p>“Good,” Callum repeats Jay’s earlier response. He looks down at the can in Ben’s hand, cap still screwed tightly on. “You don’t have to, not if you don’t want to.”</p><p>“No, I do,” Ben says quickly. “I think—I think I need to.”</p><p>Ben stands in front of the hood. He wonders what George will do when he sees the car. But he doesn’t dwell on it too much, he won’t be here to witness the fallout. </p><p>Ben shakes the paint can and leans against the hood, feels the cool metal against his knees as he presses down and sprays.</p><p>The bell rings just as he finishes the last letter, breathing heavily through his nose. They all look out to the grounds immediately. Students start filing past in the windows, the field coming to life as kids run out to play football in the sun.</p><p>The three of them stand there for a moment, frozen, before they spring into action, wiping off their hands and throwing the cans back into Jay’s bag.</p><p>Ben takes one final look at the car over his shoulder, smirks at his own handy work.</p><p>
  <strong> <em>I CAME BACK. </em> </strong>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Half an hour later, and they arrive at St. Pancreas Station. </p><p>Half an hour later, and Ben is saying goodbye to his best friend. </p><p>“Jay,” Ben says, choked on a sob, as Callum turns to join the ticket line, giving the boys the space Ben didn’t even know he needed.<em> "Fuck." </em></p><p>“Oh, Ben,” Jay sighs. Ben lets out a quiet hiccup of breath and wipes at his running nose.</p><p>“I didn’t think this would be this hard,” Ben whispers. “I want to go, I do. <em> So much. </em>I don’t know why I feel like this.”</p><p>They hug tightly, swaying lightly, and Ben buries his nose into Jay’s shoulder. </p><p>“It’s okay to be upset,” Jay whispers. He’s rubbing his palms flat over Ben’s back, comforting to the touch.</p><p>“I’ve spent so long hating this place,” Ben says miserably. “Why is so hard to let it go?”</p><p>“Because it’s part of you,” Jay says. “Because every day you wake up and you see the same streets and the same markets and the same people.. Every face is familiar and every day is part of a rhythm. You’re breaking out of it. And I know it’ll be the best thing you ever do, but breaking out of a routine, well, it’s fearing the unknown, ain’t it?”</p><p>“But I shouldn’t miss it already,” Ben concedes. “Not after everything that’s happened here.”</p><p>“You don’t miss the people,” Jay says. “You miss the feeling.”</p><p>“Well I’ll miss you,” Ben sniffles.</p><p>“Yeah,” Jay huffs another laugh, distant and low. “You better.” </p><p>“I have to let it go,” Ben squeezes his eyes shut “Go and live my life the way<em> I </em> want.” </p><p>“Then do it,” Jay says simply. “There’s a whole world out there waiting for you. <em> You and Callum. </em>”</p><p>“Jay,” Ben pulls back to look him in the eye. “I’m gonna miss you so much, brother.” </p><p>Jay gives him a sad smile. His eyes start to water. “I’ll miss you too.”</p><p>Ben grapples onto him tight, pulls him in for a crushing hug and tries not to let his chest shake too much. He’s known Jay his whole life, spent his childhood riding through the street and playing Fifa and discovering themselves together. Despite all that’s happened in those years, Ben can’t deny the ache in his chest, can’t deny that he cares too much about Jay to let it all go like it’s nothing.</p><p>“Anyway,” Jay says, voice croaky as he pulls away. “I can’t wait to come down to Manc land! You can take me to all the best bars, show me round to Liam Gallagher’s gaff.<em> ” </em></p><p><em> “Idiot. </em> I’ll let you know if I get invited over,” Ben jokes, all too aware of the time.  “I better go find Callum.”</p><p>“Right,” Jay says softly. He fiddles with his fingers, smile waning.</p><p>They stand there for a moment, frozen in the morning light that’s basking the train station entrance, before they crash together in a tight embrace. Ben’s ribs ache with it, how tightly they’re both hanging on, but he lets it wash over him, lets himself feel it. </p><p>“Don’t you forget about me when you’re in the big city,” Jay says into his hair, voice tight.</p><p>“I won’t,” Ben promises. “Besides, it’s smaller than London.”</p><p>“Good point,” Jay sniffles. His back shakes under Ben’s palms. </p><p>They break away reluctantly, Jay wiping at his eyes and placing his hands on his hips to steady himself. Ben backs away slowly, tries to memorise every detail around him, the pink sky and Jay’s smile, too.”</p><p>“Love you!” Jay calls out, when Ben joins Callum in the ticket line. “Don’t you ever forget it!”</p><p>“I won’t!” Ben calls back. He laughs, and twin pearls slide along his cheeks as he does so, casting his eyes back to Jay’s figure standing alone. </p><p>He places a gentle hand on the back of Callum’s neck and squeezes reassuringly.</p><p>“Better?” he says softly.</p><p>Ben nods, takes in a deep breath, releases it, and nods again.<em> “Better.”  </em></p><p>“Right then,” Callum says, taking in a deep, anticipated breath and handing Ben his one-way train ticket. “Let’s do this.” </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Four hours later, and Manchester lies before them in a late-sun haze, a dark pink sky and the only remainder of the sun being the yellow reflections on the building tops. As they cross the bridge into the city, Ben’s breathing picks up steadily. He feels at home already, things here are similar to London, but they’re different, too. The air is different.</p><p>“I like it,” Ben breathes, eyes roaming over the tall buildings, over the quirky little record stores, the dimly lit football grounds, the people and the<em> freedom. </em></p><p>"It's nothing special, really," Callum worries his lip. "But it's<em> my mum, </em> y'know? <em> It's home."  </em></p><p>"I wish I could've met her, Cal," Ben starts, careful with his words. "She sounds wonderful." </p><p>"She was," Callum confirms, eyes wet with a smile. "And now we can live that happy life she always wanted, for her." </p><p>Callum is practically vibrating beside him, smile so big it could blind, eyes flicking nervously at his surroundings. Ben watches him fondly, forgets to even observe what’s around him for a moment because with Callum right there, eyes shiny and his body shadowed in pink and gold light, he can’t stop himself from looking at only one thing. </p><p>"We'll be the happiest ever, Callum." </p><p>Above them, everything has turned warm and mellow, ribbons of the final sunrays dancing through the air.</p><p>“I already am, Ben, I’m so happy,” Callum chokes out, hands shaking. “It’s like I can feel my heart buzzing.”</p><p>Ben lets out a soft laugh and runs his hand through Callum’s hair, pushes it off his forehead as he bites his bottom lip and looks intently out the window.</p><p>The moment they enter Piccadilly station, the theatre sign lit up in red and gold, Callum lets the first tear fall. Ben glances over at him in surprise, worried, but there’s a smile on Callum’s lips, brighter than ever before, and his tears get stuck in the crinkles of his eyes, in the deep curves of his dimples. Ben wipes at his eyes as he sniffles, as he mumbles<em> I’m so happy</em> over and over.</p><p>Ben's gaping mouth slowly morphs into a smile, eyes watering as he reaches for one of Callum’s hands. He swallows around the thick lump of emotion in his throat and watches Callum babble excitedly, laughter now spilling from his lips as the train pulls to a halt. </p><p>Once they’re out of the station, a heavy buzz settles around them, Ben’s eyes shy, Callum’s smile bright. </p><p>Callum’s hand sliding into his is a shock, and Ben’s heart thumps in his chest for a moment, his head whipping around to look up at him. And then he pauses, breathes, and remembers that here, away from everyone he knows, this is okay. <em> It’s more than okay </em> . Callum beams down at him and squeezes his fingers, glowing and <em> so happy. </em></p><p>He leans down and presses a soft kiss to his lips, right there on the street.</p><p>“Oh, my god,” Ben whispers giddily. “That felt so amazing.”</p><p>Callum laughs along and leans down again, kissing Ben properly. Ben revels in it, pushes back against Callum firmly, pushes him against the side door of a closed-down pub, and winds his arms around his neck, pushes every single emotion pulsing through him into Callum’s wanting mouth.</p><p>He feels warm and safe in Callum’s arms, always, pink and peach light caressing his cheeks as soft as Callum’s fingertips. Content curls deep in his belly as he feels Callum’s fingers find home under his jaw, stretching around the back of his head. </p><p>He hears a group of boys, pilled with university books under their arms, coo at them as they pass, and Ben breaks their kiss with a grin, pressing his teeth against Callums’s neck as he smiles. Callum rests his cheek on top of Ben’s head and pulls him close, thumbs rubbing over the small of his back.</p><p>“You’re home,” Ben says, pinching Callum’s hip softly.</p><p>Callum cups Ben’s jaw, pulls him away from his neck to look down at him, to press a delicate kiss to his forehead. “We’re home.”</p><p>“Yeah,” Ben agrees softly, fondly. <em> “Cal?”  </em></p><p>Callum hums down at him, lips against his hair. “Yeah, Ben?”</p><p>“You saved my life, I think,” Ben says simply, nothing more to it. </p><p>Suddenly, the world is silent around them. It’s just the two of them, an unfamiliar city and a whole new life. Callum’s arm curls around tighter around Ben.</p><p>“Yeah?” Callum whispers. Everything feels weighted, beautiful.</p><p>“Yeah,” Ben whispers back. “Don’t know much longer I’d have lasted there without you.”</p><p>“Ben,” Callum says softly. The midday sun is curling around them both, turning the air hot and hazy. Ben snuggles into Callum’s shoulder, not a care in the world. </p><p>“Think you might’ve just saved mine, too,” Callum says, his intake of breath is soft, even when his voice wobbles slightly.</p><p>“I think you were made for me,” Ben says then, smudging the words against Callum’s chest, right where his heart lies. </p><p>“I think we were made to love each other.”</p><p>Ben wonders if this moment, <em> this love, </em> could go on forever, on loop, the sun a constant, their smiles lasting, their love never-ending. </p><p>This moment will last forever, Ben decides then. Because this moment is never-ending. This moment begun with their first look, carried through with them till their first touch, and ran along to their first kiss, and it won’t <em> ever </em> end. There won’t ever be an end to this feeling, or an end to the two of them, he’s so sure of it. Not even when they’re gone from the world, because Ben knows, whatever happens, they’ll find each other in every world, up in the sky with the rest of the stars. </p><p>
  <em> Why? Because they’re forever, perpetual, infinite. </em>
</p><p>And maybe Ben doesn’t know where they’ll go from here, he knows better than anyone that the future is just a distant thought, that right now summer seems an endless string of days blurred together, but in reality, he’ll need to find a job,probably. What he does know, though, is that wherever he goes, whatever he does, Callum will be right there beside him. He knows that eventually, things will move around them, that they’ll adapt and change with it all.</p><p>But the unquestionable, everlasting truth of it all, the core of Ben’s happiness, is <em> this. </em></p><p>
  <em> This moment.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> He’s proud. He’s free. He’s loved. </em>
</p><p>That, he knows, with every fibre of his being, won’t ever change.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>thank you all so so SO much for reading. you're the best ever. i adore each n every one of you xx</p><p>i am now off to focus on my big bang which needs to be completed in very little days and it NO WHERE NEAR DONE AH (help)</p>
        </blockquote><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>@dingletragedy on tumblr/twitter come say hi!</p></blockquote></div></div>
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